Maybe I "grew up" faster, in a way, after all.

So, when one generation is gone, that cancels out some of the younger ones but not all, just certain ones?

Who has opportunity?

So, what does that make you, "scummy?"

That's gay.

People think I am gay because I am happy and think it has to do with my dad's birth year being 1950.

I'm supposed to feel bad about myself.  I feel bad about others.

Unavoidable.

Some people are tuned in to see "what's next."

I don't even matter.

Over and Above

They have to be okay.

The abysmal abyss.

I thought it was safe.

Then, I'd be okay.

New Plan

College - Fall 2018

Violin
German
Music Theory III
Ensemble

I am having a hard time feeling good.  I feel like I am being brought down.  I wonder if I am depressed.  I usually come on okay, but now it's hard.  If I come on okay, others don't still to me but to others.  I feel like I'm "being too nice" to the wrong people; I want to have a good time.

I know, too, everyone thinks I am bad and are onto important parts of my private life.  That's all I feel in the world.

I know it's hard for me to sleep sometimes and sometimes hard for me to wake up.  I'm used to pushing it.

I could have a nice life, but people act like my life is over.

I feel out of shape or something and need to find a way to fix that faster.  I already usually jog 1/2 hour a day outside and try to fit in enough 5-minute core workouts, which strain me.  Maybe, I should have known I needed more exercise in high school.  I was already the top female in physical fitness in JROTC in high school, I think, because I did cross country.  I feel I need to be very physically active to be up to par.  I have to run, I have to stretch, etc.  I know I didn't exercise much in 2008-2009 and had gained weight a bit earlier because of college or pushing my diet too much before and getting hungry.  So, I dunno, I just feel bad as a person, just here myself.  I should tweak my Fall 2018 schedule and am waiting to hear from one college.

I feel inclined to wanna socialize, but with the people monitoring me in private and how people feel about me because of it, I feel sorta out of whack.  I feel no one has cared about me.  I get told I am bad if I want anything socially.  Life has become a bit pointless.  I don't even really tell people what I want socially.  Sirens go off when I feel sad socially, like it's "not allowed."  My life is so miserable.  I don't like some things socially about it and how I turned out.  I have money problems.

Also, I have a "relationship" with an older lady people keep trying to ruin, saying I "don't deserve it" and instead being coy about her like she needs to be badly and inappropriately stimulated to ruin our "relationship."  It's a big thing, and people are constantly turned on about it.  They act like they know I'm better than people say, but I'm just something to dispose of, in their opinion, like they can have that done.

I actually figured out my new college major when I was 29, so that shows how unsolved my life might have been.  I don't know why all these problems and not a smooth transition, still.

I don't know if people should be all up in my life, like they can, like they think I'm up to no good otherwise.  Life is so strange since I lived in the Orlando / Central Florida area, awhile.

I'm feeling sabotaged.

I found that people think I'm "not all that" now, for some reason, like I've been exploited.  I was looking forward to a nice life.

I guess you grow up and go to college and get a job and then have your own home and do you exciting things like Facebook networking, where you can show off your picture or get online and blog too.

It's too bad.  Me having a nice life isn't impossible.  Sure, I've changed goals a lot.  I gained a lot along the way, though.  I am taking a break from hectic things, though.  So, that makes me more peaceful feeling.

I thought I'd go not saying anything suggestive about my "relationship" involving an older lady I like between other people, it seems..  I wonder if "it's cool" or if there's anything to say concerned about to fix by talking.

I know people are superstitious about my feeling "off."

People, like involved being monitored in private, act like I can feel okay around them, but I get tired of squeezing in thoughts that I know they don't have to do this for me.

It seems like my public life is running into run down black people on the bus, and they don't listen to me.  It's a little weird.  They are so insistent of some things, kinda in an Asian way, about how you should be.  I think it's their dark skin they meditate on, too, though.

Then, there's school and segregated sentiments.

I am kinda sad at the problems that enter my life between an older lady I like and I.  Everyone is always obsessing over her.  I can't forget it and I feel lonely as a person in other ways.

Most people who seem sensitive/emotional yet aloof seem to wake you up in strange ways but just have deep, dark secrets, in the end, in ways that say they have nothing to hide, like they're just a part of the shadows, as of since being a young child.  It's those kinds of people you don't catch in the media and are surprised to learn their authenticity as a personality exists and has somewhere out there.  There's a lot of these people holding up walls, around.  They're those people one step below perfection.  Perfection is when you are overly into looks being emotional and things like being thin in some way.  The people I was talking about are like aloof people there in the cool, maybe not "Little Miss Perfect" but more of a tomboy or artistic for a boy.  So, you can be into being perfect, neat, and clean or groovy and aloof.  Both are into artsy things, if you let them express themselves to see.

Life is so pointless; both my fun and accomplishment were stolen.

Too bad for people unhappy they lack traits in other races.

In college...

...earlier on, I wore dresses or nice pants every day.

People in Europe are messed up in what's popular.  I'm not listening to this.  The world is so worthless because of some people.

People in the US think they elevated Europe and can put them away once I get interested in Europe.

Young people today are rebellious not because they are sarcastic concerning their social media but because they like to not let me have fun.

The Orlando / Central Florida area bases fate on their faulty logic and justifies and moralizes it.

They think they need to get in the situation to say something and ruin it.  They think they need to know what older people I like and to make sure they are pursued like they are nothing if anything is different because of them.

I keep getting pushed to keep thinking so people can say I'm bad for thinking off, like if it seems to them like I'm not entirely truthful I'm off.  I try to avoid their issues, and the truth seems bent to them, like it's the stone age where you don't ever make a generalization because of them.

Strangely, every time I go back after some time off, I don't get in things, anymore.  Was always a waste of a ways.

cont.

"Oh, no, Christina, just drop out."

I think my original college blackmailed my success of talent of classical music because they are like that and it applies with racism.

the focal point

of some story is a primate with a scab for a tail

or you can go onto a tribal black female with long "teets"

I'm so disgusted

in people mocking others for being mellow.  They even try to label me as being something like it-

How I'm Doing

It was a wonder I finished all that math.

I am in Music and Movement, an Education class, and I have to build an instrument.  I am doing tubular bells from England in the 1800s.

I'm worried it'll be hard to get enough sleep, but tomorrow's not a long day.


I had a good day.  I feel upset, like people are just playing with me.

I've learned to cope, but sometimes something comes up.


Plans for the future, for my future... community colleges fall 2018

German (at a different community college)
Violin
Music Theory
"Symphonic Band"
Instrumental Jazz Ensemble (something extra)
Jazz Dance
Yoga

I  just don't know if I can get FAFSA for it all.

I can't wait for this semester to be over!


Well, tootles!

...everybody! ...wake up!

and amidst it all

I care for me.

I just took the money I won rather than going for it all.

What's wrong with "this land" of which I am deporting?

I thought this was going to work out.

I was so happy about so many things  ...I have a Scandinavian last name...  etc. etc.  I stood up for myself from bossiness I finally radar-ed.  "All that" could be taken from me.  I'm an adult and I'm self-sufficient emotionally.  I can still connect to Fort Lauderdale very well, like it's my home country.

They think I am a mixed race animal to cage up and interpret me as such and them as having rights as all others.

Overall, I am unhappy.

Everyone swears someone older I like who is nice to me said to be mean to me, and even people in authority approve of this.  Funny, they wait to come out.

I'm not some lunatic dreamer.

Even to do with things outside of my personal life, people here give you the eagle eye.

Pathetic

No one should be telling me what to do.  I am the boss of me, and these other people bothering me are mean and therefore unsuccessful too.

Ellen DeGeneres is popular for having a French last name.  I don't mean there aren't other reasons.

I don't care what the people of Orlando / Central Florida say, all the annoying ones.

I don't minus myself from social situations, like nothing's there.  I was being fed that suggestion today.

I can't talk about important, interesting things I see that aren't "perfect" concerning anyone important to me, ideas that I had to do with something they thought.

If no one listens to what I say, I can say whatever I want.

It's nice to see people happy, but I'm not.

My life is really no one's business.

Technical Error, Technical Difficulties

If I am "good enough" for something, why just linger on who my parents and family and friends are?  That would taint it, like nothing matters.

You might have other aspects of the situation, but still, and conveniences.  I'm not telling anyone what to do to me.

I was talking about something else important I did by mistake people won't leave me alone about, and I got into parallel situations with Facebook ... but because no on wanted me to talk about it I took the blog post down.

Church Music

Fun Church Music

I watched the speech at the beginning, genius, if you're into the church with its music.




"Lame" Church Tunes

Something I'm Really Not Going to Do.. Exactly

I'm not gonna be submissive and succumb to the perversion I am witnessing.

Learning to Let Go

I wanted either my former, more private, and healthy relationship or possibly it being more mature, as in ready for organized fame out there rather taking from it by others.

I would say this seems premeditated in immature ways.  The unexplainable happens.


It seems people are shaping my life in a way that I keep suffering, and they already said for another reason I am not Cinderella.  I wonder how long this is.  I'm trying to let go.

These people seem to find me a bad person, like they are under hypnosis or being forced because of my mixed race.  This is not good for them.  They chose to do it, though.  I wanted to explain the nature of people, like everyone is under this.

I feel things are going as they should in fundamental ways, like my getting tired of the classes at school.

Priorities

People - family & those you especially care for or like

Independence

Leadership

What's Going On

I am frustrated I've run out of steam for math.  I think 7 more classes.  I can do class, but the homework was hard.  It's 30 sections, 2 sections per test, 3 - 5 questions per 1 of the two 30 sections ... if you get one wrong, you go back one problem within the section until you do enough in a row right.

I'm somewhat excited about making a better speech this time.   We have to study harder for our test.

We have exams, too.


I feel like my life could seem like a  stump with nothing left to look forward to, in certain ways.  I feel like maybe people are blaming me for not being better than I am, and it's like I'm confused.  I feel withdrawn from people, in a way.  Whoops!  Something always goes wrong for me socially.  People get confused and I get in dire straights, socially.


I'm so happy for the Freiburger Barockorchester.  I noticed at least 3 or 4 young people do significant things that seemed to stand out.  One is 2nd chair and I think I am most compatible with her.  She looks so young and sweet, but she's taller than me.  I mean, they all seem strict socially, but she's certainly fit for the part.  I'm so happy.  I used to want to be 2nd chair.  I don't want to be too close to whoever the concert master is, though, I guess.  It's funny how you see them go when only the concert master looks good, maybe sometimes.


I have a mystery class, which 1st I thought I would drop and 2nd class were not there.  I have to make an appeal for more financial aid because of this, probably, unless they really skipped a class for the day before July 4th maybe.


Am I connected to someone suffering?  What can I do?  Some people are mean to people who are nice to me, like a consistent game going around.  It's like, yea I don't need people, but if I do ever talk to someone I will be blocked, sometimes it feels.  I don't know; I get in trouble in illegitimate ways.  I get picked on as an individual and singled out from everyone else just to suffer stupidity.  People recognize the people or things important to me and focus on that, like a game, like they have to take it away a lot.


I feel bad about not going to movies because I feel it's a bad experience, even if I want to see the show.  Also, money is tight.  Even if it's one show and snacks, it's not fun anymore.  Movies are different, of course, shedding more light on that fact.

I'm trying different ways to keep from getting in trouble, but it seems the problems have intensified.  Basically, people are mean to me and I lose things socially if I feel upset.  Now, who would think something like that makes sense?


I'm not lonely but a loner.

I got my ticket ...

... Why would seeing people in person not even matter if family ever did?  1 reason I may not have kids is because I don't like to play favoritism on just anyone.  I need to be able to interact freely with anyone.

I am wondering because I only have brief contact with people I like outside of my family, and that's a lot of people!

I thought of this and just wanted to make you feel better.

I witnessed people trying to align an older person I like with sorta off stimulation, like they want to change who she is because I like her.

Other Music

Catholic Hymn

Songs I Grew up Familiarizing Myself With

Catholic Hymn - School/Church Choir



Catholic Hymn - School/Church Choir



Catholic Hymn - School/Church Choir



My Dad's Favorite Music



My Dad's Favorite Music



My Dad's Favorite Music



My Dad's Favorite Music

Well!

I'm still tired, tired of school.

I've been sleeping or trying to but hot in here without a working fan.

People are just making sure an older person I like is badly inappropriately stimulated and that I don't feel good at all, like I don't matter and it's their business.

It seems like people have a secret obsession, actually.

So, why does someone have to feel certain bad things in bad ways?

It seems it's going around that I should be dissed, in high and low places.

ooh

so "sensitive"

I didn't want to be in a telepathic fight.

What's happening to my family?  It matters to me.

It seems Late Boomers always have felt mature stimulation.

People all have problems and want me as the example, and I said what I said.

Well, I was having a better and better day, stayed calm at home and jogged.

I was fine with everything, people wanting certain feelings.

Now, I'm considered bad because I was attacked like I had a problem.

Why is everything so suggestive to people born before Generation Y?

Underground Railroad

We relate about you and the problems you cause.

Followup of Segregation

People think either nothing matters or I should relate just to my sibling, my little brother, racially.  Other people have smooth lives for what it's worth, what they do to deserve things.

People are trying to create diversions for me when there are real problems.

I have to avoid "the near occasion of sin" myself, in ways ... but people keep throwing sin my way.  All I can do is be defensive.

Some people just want to make other people feel powerful.

People act like they can tell if I am going to have a problem.  It doesn't seem to happen before they act like they can tell.

I don't really see any problem what other people want to feel, but that's their business.

People are just in position to see if I want to feel inappropriately stimulated in a bad way like an older person I like who was exploited to it.

It might be better if people didn't do things just because they can.

Just because someone can do something does not mean they should do it.

If people think some things are unimportant, what are they so concerned about?

I could do without a lot of people, now.

Why is everyone acting so testy, quickly throwing negative messages and suggestions at me to test me and prove me out in that way.

Everyone "knows my secret."  😆

People don't have a handle on me emotionally.

Everyone keeps going by acting like I accepted as though they just triumphed over me.

Why are people looking to me like I create problems racially.

So...

Renaissance?



Baroque

People took away positive aspects of me and used it to dress up others who can match or exceed me socially, in certain ways.  They keep going like I said okay.

When people see something emotional that's not about  them, they fight about it and put a price on it.

People find me inappropriate, but I being treated like I am inappropriate when I'm not.  I saw the change.  I am fine, and people attack me out of proportion.

I'm not saying anything else, like anyone has to talk to me.

Everyone is acting like they are better than me.

I find everyone constantly picking at some of what's most important in my life.  "On the other hand," I am focused.

Oh, and...

...my spine was hurting, but it got better after sleeping a little.  It was from what I was talking about.

Freshened Up

I showered and cleaned my room some.  I just have to take a trip to throw stuff out sometime, laundry to iron and to wash when it's my turn.

I am disturbed about myself again this morning, but, like I said, I freshened up.

Someday, my room will be clean, I hope.

I wonder if this is a good thing.

I bet, if you think about it, my life is worse being controlled in the ways it has been.

Can I still play?

I'm into violin for orchestra now.  Supposedly, it will work out, though.  I might try doing something more physical rather than, say, do 2 instruments or singing.

Segue!

So many singers and musicians go to Japan! I cannot count them!

What do you think about "burying the past?"

I figured yesterday matters as much as 2 days ago "and so on and so forth."

I guess, also, people expect things to be better in more difficult situations as you get further along in time.

another nap or rest

Why's it too late for me?  Sometimes, I mess up, and then I find myself in situations.  People usually start afresh, when they can.