Now, how do you feel about my singing?

Piano Songs I Like That Make the World Go 'Round

I like when black people play this.

When I Was in Pit Orchestra in High School

Whenever I am, I learn the whole story.  I didn't post A Midsummer Night's Dream because it was a play with music added, like in between mostly.  I was credited with vocals and was in Talented Music and Talented Theater, but it was a senior play.  So, here are 4 clips from 2 musicals.

Happiness from You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown

The Doctor Is In from You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown

Comedy Tonight - A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum


Free - A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum

People in Central Florida are acting like something oh just happened to look innocent.

I think people question me, *at length, and want to overcome me, like I'm holding in negativity.

*at length - 1. in detail, fully. 2. after a long time. (link)

Could you come up to me and say I'm not perfect and that's why I am having problems?

Am I so imperfect that anyone can be mean to me however they want?  It seems like the way people go.

Did you notice older people don't need younger people and don't care about anything because of it but can still be okay or "on top?"

People dare to tell me mean things because of problems.  Oh well, most people are caught up but not all involved..  However, it affected my life.  I have problems every day, and I don't know what I do wrong on purpose more than others.  It seems like it's just to pass time, though, or maybe something expensive that doesn't work, in certain ways.  How do you go from being good to this like it's okay but can seem insecure?

Why did things work out for me, before?  I don't need some of these people.  Didn't they set us up for something and take it away, for no good reason?  These are just annoying people, up to no good.

Also, it seems a heavy price to pay for a good job for some people, saying if they groove with life like what matters simply doesn't matter anymore is all we need to say to the world and that's it and we can't seem to get along.  Certain generations have certain important issues.

cont.

It's just a plus for them.

It must be nice to get the best of how things are, also that which people actually prize which for them is unattainable.  Hey, it's a way to make Christina feel the opposite bad, so why not these people do this?  I think I'd need to check a few things.  They literally found a way to abandon me.  I said people didn't have to do this.  I just didn't want the important things in my life ruined!

Well, I hope the older lady I like is happy.

..Oh, so you can do it, flip what's mine to someone else.

Why is everyone so bothersome!

Pretty much, they want to take it away because some of it gets worse.

They keep finding bad reasons to be mad at me.

I've been informed an older lady I like has a "problem," wherein I was trying to separate myself from certain problems and was forced to remain alert because I technically have the relationship, just not like before in certain ways.  That's "what" they said.  Why should I believe it?  They are hiding information, like it and they are important, in this way.

Those damn, certain Central Floridians.

People are obsessing over an older lady I like to feel badly, inappropriately, and extremely stimulated and claim me feeling anything means I should be forgotten and have my older personal relationships ruined.

For some reason, I can't go on knowing someone without being emotionally abused by others who claim it was her.

Everyone keeps trying to badly and inappropriately stimulate and change her for the worse.

all the time

Well, they're just bad not doing anything because they give me a bad time no matter what.

People keep acting like I'm bad forever.

cont.

I was so good, but just like that and other things that weren't mean to specific people outside of my family.  It all happened after moving to Orlando, mostly.  It's a hard place to function in, with people trying to Florida-tize themselves and always acting like you're a "nigger."

People seem to like to make up excuses.

They probably give good people a hard time ... as an excuse to talk about something and as an opportunity to feel more emotion.  However, you can see history...

I guess my problems is worse.  I spammed some people advice they seemed to need and wrote to some people upset.  I sensed they were all racist and I was trapped socially.  Tangled, Frozen.  Those movies look like the people who wouldn't write back and therefore drove me crazy, etc.  I feel so ignored.

It seems like cultures like Eastern Europeans get mean to people who Germans like, like mixed Asians.

Why are innocent people considered guilty when something is amiss?

cont.

It feels almost just like going to college and getting in the voice program on the side and finding the "real voice majors" started singing in high school and I started, in choir, at age 8.  They sounded weird trying to mimic tacky opera singers, sorta the way you felt about it when you were a kid.

"Jumping on the Bandwagon"

People are "jumping on the bandwagon" "at the last minute," and I'm losing out, possibly, as my life is how it is, in certain ways.

Did people always find older adults loving and appreciable? or want to? or did you already find out-

I guess they are caught up in the world and don't really say much but want to be cool, like they were caught up in self and exterior hypnosis.

It's not so much I want to ask for anything, but I get into situations, and-  I just dislike what life has to be and has been, in some parts, people getting in my way in different, specific aspects of life.

Actresses

I like people like

Catherine O'Hara
(link)

Julia Roberts
(link)

Meryl Streep
(link)

Jennifer Garner
(link)

I don't want to be "the one," like people ask everyone.

That said...

Remember people were mad Johnny Depp became famous for things like Willy Wonka and Pirates?  Tim Burton, if you know, was also great and married and had kids with someone nice but not his type, as they separated anyway.

People acted like they got attention some one person who's from Generation X should have gotten.  It was such a big deal, the jealousy too, that the world was ruined forever.

What an older lady I like does is not for all of you; it's for herself, in general, like other people.

I wonder why some people, like in the Orlando / Central Florida area, think something was wrong with my relationship.

Whizzing Through School

I read the chapters for the speech test, 3 yesterday and 5 today, though the book is like the size of half a textbook.  Now, I need to look at the notes and study guide, maybe later on reread the chapters, again.  The test is Thursday.  The next/last speech is the next Thursday.  Math is going good, and so is the new music Education class.  They will all be over I think at the end of July.

"Less Talking, More Doing" & Guess what I found out / realized ...

The goal is to have an attractive personal living area.

I was flipping through my planner and came across December and thought of winter celebrations.  It would be nice to have a spacious inhabiting area with a nice "paint job" and things in their places, not too cluttered but interesting.

My room is decorated for Miami Beach.  I wonder if I can clear the clutter.  What if I made my room cream with burgundy borders and some nice decoration to go  with it, like gold.  I've got to rearrange my room.  This is something I can do when summer school is out and fall school has not begun.

I don't really know how I can arrange my room, nicely.  Well, I can take out some bags of trash and do my laundry.  I can announce to my dad my new plans.

I have some furniture issues, too.

Don't worry, me looking more maternal than childish is not something you have to do.

Cats

This is probably with a live pit orchestra.  I miss those days.



The Jellicle Ball starts at 8:43.  It's in New Jersey, US.

Gypsy

This reminds me of when I did little theater, for some reason, except I didn't pursue acting.

In one video, the one with Bette Midler, the little girl in it did a combination of spinning batons and dancing and possibly in others people throw in gymnastics, not sure if this movie had any.  That reminds me of my interests as a child, doing gymnastics.  I got in ballet at 5, and I wanted to do baton at school age 7 and 8 and ended up rising to the top of the children and was Twirler of the Year at 8.

"A Chorus Line" Dance and Singing

Imagine what real classical musicians think of this.  Rather funky, tacky, and "out there."  I would focus more on the dance.  It seems like the musician reflects the musical instrument.  People who are there for what's basically more standard yet still emotional might chose violin.



This is a new favorite!

Who had to "open their big mouth?"

Supposedly, it's some "gifted" or overly obvious thing to notice I'm "not all that," like, "I mean, look!"  "Make sure an older lady Christina likes stuff from us like she needs us like that and get into Christina's personal life and begin to interrogate; ..I think she feels something!  Let's turn her into 'a case.'"

I don't feel like doing anything because my parents are around.

I thought things were okay, without me.

I don't matter.

Well, guess that's it!

I feel a bit tired and may go back to bed, usually do, wake up like a slug later tho.

People keep going by like I think I deserve bad things, and they want to bring out the truth I am avoiding.

I disagree with a lot of the hype being about people my age acting goofy for me.

It's like a colony was made to propel my problems when I'm not there to stop them.

I tried not talking about some things I disagree with.

My life is "on the line."  I am living like I agree with things that are bad for me.  People just keep going by, thinking that.  They think I think that, but they think I should go make the difference and say something good concerning the truth, online.

Maybe I "grew up" faster, in a way, after all.

So, when one generation is gone, that cancels out some of the younger ones but not all, just certain ones?

Who has opportunity?

So, what does that make you, "scummy?"

That's gay.

People think I am gay because I am happy and think it has to do with my dad's birth year being 1950.

I'm supposed to feel bad about myself.  I feel bad about others.

Unavoidable.

Some people are tuned in to see "what's next."

I don't even matter.

Over and Above

They have to be okay.

The abysmal abyss.

I thought it was safe.

Then, I'd be okay.

New Plan

College - Fall 2018

Violin
German
Music Theory III
Ensemble

I am having a hard time feeling good.  I feel like I am being brought down.  I wonder if I am depressed.  I usually come on okay, but now it's hard.  If I come on okay, others don't still to me but to others.  I feel like I'm "being too nice" to the wrong people; I want to have a good time.

I know, too, everyone thinks I am bad and are onto important parts of my private life.  That's all I feel in the world.

I know it's hard for me to sleep sometimes and sometimes hard for me to wake up.  I'm used to pushing it.

I could have a nice life, but people act like my life is over.

I feel out of shape or something and need to find a way to fix that faster.  I already usually jog 1/2 hour a day outside and try to fit in enough 5-minute core workouts, which strain me.  Maybe, I should have known I needed more exercise in high school.  I was already the top female in physical fitness in JROTC in high school, I think, because I did cross country.  I feel I need to be very physically active to be up to par.  I have to run, I have to stretch, etc.  I know I didn't exercise much in 2008-2009 and had gained weight a bit earlier because of college or pushing my diet too much before and getting hungry.  So, I dunno, I just feel bad as a person, just here myself.  I should tweak my Fall 2018 schedule and am waiting to hear from one college.

I feel inclined to wanna socialize, but with the people monitoring me in private and how people feel about me because of it, I feel sorta out of whack.  I feel no one has cared about me.  I get told I am bad if I want anything socially.  Life has become a bit pointless.  I don't even really tell people what I want socially.  Sirens go off when I feel sad socially, like it's "not allowed."  My life is so miserable.  I don't like some things socially about it and how I turned out.  I have money problems.

Also, I have a "relationship" with an older lady people keep trying to ruin, saying I "don't deserve it" and instead being coy about her like she needs to be badly and inappropriately stimulated to ruin our "relationship."  It's a big thing, and people are constantly turned on about it.  They act like they know I'm better than people say, but I'm just something to dispose of, in their opinion, like they can have that done.

I actually figured out my new college major when I was 29, so that shows how unsolved my life might have been.  I don't know why all these problems and not a smooth transition, still.

I don't know if people should be all up in my life, like they can, like they think I'm up to no good otherwise.  Life is so strange since I lived in the Orlando / Central Florida area, awhile.

I'm feeling sabotaged.

I found that people think I'm "not all that" now, for some reason, like I've been exploited.  I was looking forward to a nice life.

I guess you grow up and go to college and get a job and then have your own home and do you exciting things like Facebook networking, where you can show off your picture or get online and blog too.

It's too bad.  Me having a nice life isn't impossible.  Sure, I've changed goals a lot.  I gained a lot along the way, though.  I am taking a break from hectic things, though.  So, that makes me more peaceful feeling.

I thought I'd go not saying anything suggestive about my "relationship" involving an older lady I like between other people, it seems..  I wonder if "it's cool" or if there's anything to say concerned about to fix by talking.

I know people are superstitious about my feeling "off."

People, like involved being monitored in private, act like I can feel okay around them, but I get tired of squeezing in thoughts that I know they don't have to do this for me.

It seems like my public life is running into run down black people on the bus, and they don't listen to me.  It's a little weird.  They are so insistent of some things, kinda in an Asian way, about how you should be.  I think it's their dark skin they meditate on, too, though.

Then, there's school and segregated sentiments.

I am kinda sad at the problems that enter my life between an older lady I like and I.  Everyone is always obsessing over her.  I can't forget it and I feel lonely as a person in other ways.

Most people who seem sensitive/emotional yet aloof seem to wake you up in strange ways but just have deep, dark secrets, in the end, in ways that say they have nothing to hide, like they're just a part of the shadows, as of since being a young child.  It's those kinds of people you don't catch in the media and are surprised to learn their authenticity as a personality exists and has somewhere out there.  There's a lot of these people holding up walls, around.  They're those people one step below perfection.  Perfection is when you are overly into looks being emotional and things like being thin in some way.  The people I was talking about are like aloof people there in the cool, maybe not "Little Miss Perfect" but more of a tomboy or artistic for a boy.  So, you can be into being perfect, neat, and clean or groovy and aloof.  Both are into artsy things, if you let them express themselves to see.

Life is so pointless; both my fun and accomplishment were stolen.

Too bad for people unhappy they lack traits in other races.

In college...

...earlier on, I wore dresses or nice pants every day.

People in Europe are messed up in what's popular.  I'm not listening to this.  The world is so worthless because of some people.

People in the US think they elevated Europe and can put them away once I get interested in Europe.

Young people today are rebellious not because they are sarcastic concerning their social media but because they like to not let me have fun.

The Orlando / Central Florida area bases fate on their faulty logic and justifies and moralizes it.

They think they need to get in the situation to say something and ruin it.  They think they need to know what older people I like and to make sure they are pursued like they are nothing if anything is different because of them.

I keep getting pushed to keep thinking so people can say I'm bad for thinking off, like if it seems to them like I'm not entirely truthful I'm off.  I try to avoid their issues, and the truth seems bent to them, like it's the stone age where you don't ever make a generalization because of them.

Strangely, every time I go back after some time off, I don't get in things, anymore.  Was always a waste of a ways.

cont.

"Oh, no, Christina, just drop out."

I think my original college blackmailed my success of talent of classical music because they are like that and it applies with racism.

the focal point

of some story is a primate with a scab for a tail

or you can go onto a tribal black female with long "teets"

I'm so disgusted

in people mocking others for being mellow.  They even try to label me as being something like it-

How I'm Doing

It was a wonder I finished all that math.

I am in Music and Movement, an Education class, and I have to build an instrument.  I am doing tubular bells from England in the 1800s.

I'm worried it'll be hard to get enough sleep, but tomorrow's not a long day.


I had a good day.  I feel upset, like people are just playing with me.

I've learned to cope, but sometimes something comes up.


Plans for the future, for my future... community colleges fall 2018

German (at a different community college)
Violin
Music Theory
"Symphonic Band"
Instrumental Jazz Ensemble (something extra)
Jazz Dance
Yoga

I  just don't know if I can get FAFSA for it all.

I can't wait for this semester to be over!


Well, tootles!

...everybody! ...wake up!

and amidst it all

I care for me.

I just took the money I won rather than going for it all.

What's wrong with "this land" of which I am deporting?

I thought this was going to work out.

I was so happy about so many things  ...I have a Scandinavian last name...  etc. etc.  I stood up for myself from bossiness I finally radar-ed.  "All that" could be taken from me.  I'm an adult and I'm self-sufficient emotionally.  I can still connect to Fort Lauderdale very well, like it's my home country.

They think I am a mixed race animal to cage up and interpret me as such and them as having rights as all others.

Overall, I am unhappy.

Everyone swears someone older I like who is nice to me said to be mean to me, and even people in authority approve of this.  Funny, they wait to come out.

I'm not some lunatic dreamer.

Even to do with things outside of my personal life, people here give you the eagle eye.

Pathetic

No one should be telling me what to do.  I am the boss of me, and these other people bothering me are mean and therefore unsuccessful too.

Ellen DeGeneres is popular for having a French last name.  I don't mean there aren't other reasons.

I don't care what the people of Orlando / Central Florida say, all the annoying ones.

I don't minus myself from social situations, like nothing's there.  I was being fed that suggestion today.

I can't talk about important, interesting things I see that aren't "perfect" concerning anyone important to me, ideas that I had to do with something they thought.

If no one listens to what I say, I can say whatever I want.

It's nice to see people happy, but I'm not.

My life is really no one's business.

Technical Error, Technical Difficulties

If I am "good enough" for something, why just linger on who my parents and family and friends are?  That would taint it, like nothing matters.

You might have other aspects of the situation, but still, and conveniences.  I'm not telling anyone what to do to me.

I was talking about something else important I did by mistake people won't leave me alone about, and I got into parallel situations with Facebook ... but because no on wanted me to talk about it I took the blog post down.

Church Music

Fun Church Music

I watched the speech at the beginning, genius, if you're into the church with its music.




"Lame" Church Tunes

Something I'm Really Not Going to Do.. Exactly

I'm not gonna be submissive and succumb to the perversion I am witnessing.

Learning to Let Go

I wanted either my former, more private, and healthy relationship or possibly it being more mature, as in ready for organized fame out there rather taking from it by others.

I would say this seems premeditated in immature ways.  The unexplainable happens.


It seems people are shaping my life in a way that I keep suffering, and they already said for another reason I am not Cinderella.  I wonder how long this is.  I'm trying to let go.

These people seem to find me a bad person, like they are under hypnosis or being forced because of my mixed race.  This is not good for them.  They chose to do it, though.  I wanted to explain the nature of people, like everyone is under this.