Compared to before, now I get pushed away more from a "relationship" with an older lady I have.  I didn't really do anything; she did and can do whatever she wants in regards to keeping it.

I was left worse off.

Why did the access to other worlds stop when I couldn't succeed in history in college?

I thought I had to save them and spammed them advice when they didn't answer, in 2007-2008.  Sure, I got some response once or twice.  I'm not sure, but I also stopped hearing voices.

I feel like my old friends are talking at me.

I go out in public, and it's hard to get along with all the racism.  It's boring if a lotta people do that who you wish were still like before.

It looks like I didn't make it, in a way.  People are accusing me of having people I talk to be in the aesthetic shadow.

It wasn't even an insistence.  People just keep throwing it up in the air, focusing on messing up people I like.

No one trusts me.  That's why I don't tell them everything about me.  It's not my fault, and I don't deserve to be locked up!

It seems people are trying to say I can't even meet someone I like a lot, like something would go wrong like there's anything to hope for anyway otherwise.  Life is too short for people.  I want real people, or I don't "make it."

Why are people making fun of me I thought someone wished I could meet them, like that's possible, and I encounter other people instead about this on a negative note?  It's too much to worry about.  It looks like I've not made progress in this way.

I'm trying to live my life and am attached to some of the kinds of people here, but it looks like I'm right to going to school, getting my AA, and sadly leave my parents and this city/area.

Twitter

I'm so happy for your daughter! It's quite a neat instrument. I like old-fashioned Spanish things because I lived in Saint Augustine, FL, the oldest city left in the US and 2nd oldest otherwise. 🤭 You'd love it, too. I wanted to get back into serious music, my life & blogging!

— Christina (@Christina86FLNO) August 2, 2018

I don't mind some people telling me upset things, but why are they to be worried about?

Twitter

Everyone thought my mom was my sister. My dad is much older, than my mom. My parents got me classical piano and Beethoven symphonies when they got me in piano. I got busy, though, and didn't have my own room or anything, year 1996. I used to rush to the piano to beat the TV.

— Christina (@Christina86FLNO) August 2, 2018

I still have a relationship, but it's different.  I just felt that people were mad with me more now.

I didn't leave altogether.  It's funny I could have met them later.  Just thoughts I'm having.  I want to think about something else.

I wonder if I'm not supposed to talk about this...

...I liked someone else and am supposed to believe I left someone else rather than that they wanted me to leave until I was done.

Whose idea was it just to sit there and correct me like I thought off when they observe me and do strange things?  Like, I'm not "meeting real people."  What are they, aliens?  Is this how you wish to be treated?  I think so, according to most people.  Their parents made them want this.

I am losing things, and it makes me sad, like nothing really matters about me, literally in deed and not just sentiment.  I know, people think the problems they give me in my otherwise good relationships are okay.  What if people just want to be nice to me but really don't like me, like in a concrete way.  They are just giving me false illusions and diverting me.  I'm sorta starting something new, in saying this, but have no problems with what certain people want or don't want with me in "relationships."  That's their right.  Other people don't have the right to single me out as a joke.  I'm a little confused because I thought I was okay with someone, but now I'm not, like that could be possible, because it happens to all my relationships too.  It's like I could have been happy, but something happened and people had already ruined it.

So, supposedly, I can be happy, but not with people messing up the truth in my "relationships."

Schizophrenic ... Paranoid Schizophrenic (Not Really)

The world is so sad.  We get sad and lonely without company, like something isn't there.  We try to do misery loves company and talk to people our own age strongly.

The world is messed up.


Everyone is holding out, like literally..  I can't seem to meet anyone and be okay and not worry about them because they know me.  I must have some enemies.

I am pretty down to earth.  I am good at personality types in the MBTI and probably others.  I didn't have one unreasonable goal.  I don't get too close to people and suggestions don't come up.  The world changed for me, in 2005..  Now, I worry everyone wants to meet people but then again don't seem to care to do anything about it.

You know, people in general take the age of your dad and enslave you socially and then they give the reward to people with younger dads.

Twitter

What kinds of music have you been into? I liked soft rock and musical theater as a tween. I would prefer to be a classical musician. I liked old fashioned things so much I wanted to live it, as a girl, too. My favorite music used to be folk and Catholic music.

— Christina (@Christina86FLNO) August 2, 2018

It's already too late.  People who are reserved for better things already have other "relationships" with other people.

I want to see Germans and English together and with different kinds of Americans.

Review - With Spoilers

It wasn't all sparkly, neither, plus extremely agitated the whole time save for interjections from an English guy, involved.

I watched Unfriended: The Dark Web, and it wasn't magic.

People like to tease me, but they are also preventing me from feeling good, like other people.

I wonder if they want me to be of disposal.

I didn't have a problem, and they acted like I did because they think my dad would translate me differently.

Then, they were mean to me, and I lost my thoughts.

So, I have an A in Remedial Math and a B in Speech!

People who are zoned out that are known and liked by others in a certain way that can't change ...

People like to put people on the top to eliminate them to be in their place.

People are always be inappropriate with the wrong people.

Some of them couldn't get anyone to talk to them.

I wonder if some people just wanna be left alone, like people who are very famous sometimes.

Twitter

It seems like things could get bad.

People kill you if you accidentally think off someone born around 1953 or 1954, but, if you like a nice Late Boomer, they want you to think off about them.

2 Worlds

I like social networking.  Word of Dance and JLo just liked and Retweeted my reply.

I'll try to be immune to trouble-making or me feeling sensitive.

I saw the Phantom backstage at least 2 times and once at his own concert, and he said he remembers me and read my Tweets.

Church music is something I know a lot about.

Practiced, Listening to Music

I listened to kid tapes in the car my mom put on and loved watching Barney until I was 9 when I was told not to by someone.  Everyone hated Barney.  At a athletic/sports day at school, called "field day," I had Barney sneakers, and, when it was time to go, an older boy said, "Make those Barney shoes work!"

Cool Alto Solo

I'll graduate next Summer with "my AA."  3 General Studies per semester.

Fall 2018

College Algebra
English II
Intro to Humanities

I got a 101% in Remedial Math!  I'm waiting until I take College Algebra and Trigonometry so I can take Physics and to graduate also Chemistry.  We'll see what my Speech grade is.  Hopefully a B.

I'm getting this...

...from my school bookstore tomorrow!  Tomorrow's the time to party!  It's $120!  At least, it's big ... and in style.

I'm gonna do violin alone using Suzuki and some other things I can find..

I decided to go for my AA taking 3 classes a semester.  I'll graduate next summer.

I need to find a way to Freiburg, Germany.  I want to live there to see an orchestra and have some livelihood with my AA completed, learn violin or music, like piano/organ.

Have I become a random joke?

Well, I guess I will enjoy my 3 week break, if others "let" me.

You just wanna know about my friends.

What is wrong with me not being like I'm always in trouble?

I'm not really experiencing good things.

Why do I feel people are talking at me and no to me.

I'm not top secret.

I just feel it and come home to some unpleasantness all the time.

I'm certainly not the guilty one.  I'll have to die with this curse.

I don't need to be taught a lesson.  Everyone knows.

They won't stop.

It just goes to show that you're losers.

Why am I being limited by others to my family?

Are you following the leader?

I'm fine, like most people, but then you lose it over my biraciality.

Why do I get the feeling other people are more important than me, like mostly?

Lonely

I feel so lonely with what I have to put up with.  Either I am lonely, or I am not lonely.  It's not even a big deal.  Even if I'm with people, I'm still lonely.

I do like some people here, but I don't know them very well.  There are a lotta cool people out there, here.

This was on Music Choice on a Jazz channel.

So, pretty much, things got worse and people acted like just had our Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005) and that was enough.

In the end, it didn't improve our lives, it distracted and detracted from it.

It was all about people who didn't do what they were supposed to.

It made me lonely.

I disagree with how Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005) ruined the world and raised adults over children, the Late Boomers over Generation X.

Why does anyone feel they have authority.  Central Florida is so stupid, overall, "sad to say."  People I know mimic that way, too, "sad to say."  Can you believe it?  How egotistical in a barren world.

But it wasn't like this originally?

Why are they telling me not to feel good but encourage others?

People keep trying to make me uncomfortable about my private life but encourage the older lady to feel important.

...but I know people have something against me that shouldn't be there and that's why.

Are things better?  It seems cleaner.  It is strange how she stuck out to others over other people.  I know I stick out but was not originally popular.  Maybe, people think I am a magnet.  It certainly is a big thing, like people said she "has" to be like she's me instead but get it even better, like the world woke up; why does it involve hurting me and having me in more and more pretend trouble?

So, if the older lady I like was already doing "these things" and okay, why are people interjecting themselves?  It seems like others are listening.

It seems like secret operation undercover to answer everyone's problems by having me suffer.

I wonder which looks more like me...

girl from a suburb in the 1950s or 1960s

mother from NYC area in the 1960s

We need to clean up today's youth.

My relatives on my dad's side are mostly originated from Pennsylvania and New York state.  I think it looks like my mom is younger than the little girl.

So, only be jealous if it's something I could have.

Some things really are just stupid.

Shouldn't it be like "oh no" an older lady I like is "gone viral?"  Immediately?  It is a real issue, I mean, not that I'm "worried."

People act like they have something over me.  I'm watching TV, and they "had a moment" when someone looked cool and thought they went deep.

Why can people do this?

It seems like they are just messed up with no hope.

Like, take an issue, like I don't like being bossed around nor feeling awkward.

What if people control the world through me?

A Fun Night

I did that thing on violin where you move the bow back and forth really fast and almost had a pinching heart attack in the middle of orchestra practice.  It may have lasted a minute.

I will be in this orchestra if FAFSA doesn't pay for my school, for music.

I went there I think a year and a half ago.  I feel a bit more tired but better as a violinist.  I guess things are evening out.  I didn't have it in my last time to sit in and watch, taking the bus and getting a ride back from my dad.  I'm worried now I feel less tolerant to rehearsal, whereas before I wasn't as good at violin but could take it better.  That's what I was wondering about going, too, as part of it.  Someone I met bets I will be able to sight read that stuff if I do this this time, like everyone else sight reads it better.  I am only 3 years and intermediate.  It was beneficial to me, better than sitting alone practicing because I need extra "help."  I keep hitting other strings, but this way I didn't notice me doing that, like at lessons.  I might not do the lessons because I want to go my own way, at least for now.  I feel I didn't learn right or it wasn't towards a certain goal, and that can ruin my incentive, I know for sure.

All the bad people from Generation X flood, use, and destroy the good people from Late Boom.

Americans will just rise together and be jealous of anyone who has culture outside of the US.

How will I figure anything out if I'm monitored by the thought police?

I'm going to deal with these things, anyway, later.

Why can't we talk about what's interesting and go on with life?  There's some merit in that.

Fess Up - Now or Never

I'm not holding out for a bunch of people who have nothing to offer, no matter what race or generation they are.

I feel like people are controlling my freedom of speech.

bleh

...but like she needs them

People made it so an older lady I like doesn't need me.

I feel kinda bad just staying home.  Well, I still eat food.  I wonder how other kids get by doing all this work.  Maybe, they are still young.  Part of me wants to go back for something to do, like work.  Who knows...  I guess I might go back.  I don't have much to keep me going.

I don't think I can go back to school.  I'm tired of the sudden semester of summer school.  I took speech and remedial math, which was for 4 credit hours.  I feel like it's the last chug, 1 more day of 2 exams and a speech to give.  There are 3 weeks until the next school semester.  I don't know if I could just go for music or if I should try to teach myself, for now, violin as my newer instrument.  I don't even want a teacher, otherwise, because they don't seem to care about what's important to me, like I can only take it as a joke.

No one cares about me; they're all celebrating.

cont.

Even my dad displays it.

People think if I do something big, it's the grotesque exaggerations of having a dad born as early as 1950.