My life is miserable.

They said she is abusing me.

They said the older lady I like hurt me for talking on my blog.

What did I do wrong?  Have I been tricked?

What if it gets bad?

What if the older lady I like really has a problem if I am sad my underground fame doesn't mean anything to her and/because it's always important that she is underground famous in a way that is made bad by others or something?  What if it isn't something she likes?

So, now, she feels good, without people being mean to her, like the people monitoring me in private told me was the only reality, in a way, I could have feelings about for myself.

I was unclear that the older lady I like is said that she doesn't think I'm "as good" as before.

Like, whenever I complain about my relationship being ruined?  I try not to, but people, like the people monitoring me in private, say all these bad things and people around the city.  It happens.

Like, I feel I was in trouble for not knowing she really was upset with me.

Suddenly, they have to swear the older lady I like is better than primarily me.

Why should I follow the temporary mistakes of my parents for the rest of my life?

People expect me not to be like my relatives, certain ones.

The older lady I like was already underground famous.

I keep being made fun of for my private feelings, partially through the people monitoring me in private.

I think highly of other people, better in their own way that is good.

This nonsense won't stop, neither.

They think they can ruin my life now.  They are asking to sacrifice for the older lady I like in saying she is better, but other people are not better than me.

People try to take away and replace my relationships.

Why can people change my relationship?

I feel like the news that is exciting to them is slowly coming true.

They are acting like the relationship is over.

They also said I don't get to feel good and invading my private life via what they know through the people monitoring me in private somehow.

People are pretending I am bad and going in and taking everything from me, like people I know.  They are being inappropriately suggestive to an older lady I like and "adding" "sex" supposedly, like she's not been okay.

What should I buy?

A new laptop?

A Kindle?

More clothes!   I mean when September does roll along.  I have to be ready.

I'm excited!  I have to call and find out about moving, to Germany, and what English speakers can do, while I learn German.

Leftovers!

I don't want to run into anyone in the kitchen, though.

I don't feel as good but left tired.

I wonder what all I have left to eat... cheese...

Well, I didn't really lose someone, but it's something I end up finding others have me think about.

Well, I'm feeling tired.  It's cold in here, and I don't have anything to wear, that's good for now maybe.  Laundry?  Bed?  I got a new outfit yesterday.  I need at least 5 for school and have 4 now.  I have some sweaters to wash somewhere buried.

Depressed

I don't look as good as I used to, and maybe I can't go back.  Like I got too much California sunshine.

I wish I knew what to post ... or maybe I will make a Wix site.

What?  It feels like there is nothing to do, here.  What should I do, play exotic bird Bingo?

Other people feel good about him, some of them.

Something Unhealthy and Unfair

My dad is secretly acting like big mamma now because my mom is Asian, but I dislike even more.

So, if I feel hurt, sometimes, I want to go lie in bed.  I can't tell if it's from being tired, like I always am on pills.  It's always me the loser.  I feel addicted, at any time, in my room I know.  Why not?  When I'm out, I dream of having bed in my life.

Now, they think this is okay, and it's been that way, for 1 1/2 years.

Why did Orlando do the impossible?

Like I said on a forum...

I don't feel up and am going to lie down.  I have nothing I have to do right now, anyway.

I need to rest up for school, sometime.


I heard a noise outside, probably my dad.  He thinks I am bad and should not be allowed to move to Germany, like I stay in a place as bad as Orlando where he can be mean to me, living with him or seeing him.  Even if I leave, he talks to me, though I didn't in college.  I'm not sure what to do.  He wants me to leave but also to stay.  I am 32 and he thinks I just decided to run away.  Other people don't live with their parents.  People usually leave by now.  In Ireland, people sometimes stay until they are around 30 because of money.  My German foreign exchange student in 12th grade I think said she has 2 more grades of high school than the US.  So, my dad is saying I want to have fun in an okay place, but I have to get used to it here with him, though he also doesn't really want me here otherwise.


Should I still lie down?  Maybe, I can do some laundry.


My dad doesn't really like me here, just wants to punish me in any way he can like he's an okay citizen at that, using me as a part of what he decides is okay.


I was comfortable with the idea of getting my AA first and then moving to Germany.

About school, I have to submit an appeal for financial aid and school starts in about a week then.  I have to go Monday when it's opened I think and type it up and send it by then.  I want to work if this doesn't work out and move to Germany without my AA.  Not sure how that would go, maybe just wait a little longer I guess then and get my AA still.  The other community college has not contacted me back, yet, with a note to get back in, soon, I sent at least a month ago.

Talk about making me go crazy and making my problems get bigger.

That's like me telling on my mom and being put into foster care.

I wonder if my dad wants people to get stimulated by conspiring about doing illegal things to me, and the people monitoring me in private distribute the deed.

Failed the Exam of Life

I did poorly in college because it was too hard.

I moved to Orlando and ended up spamming people advice, who didn't answer mostly, and was upset at someone via e-mail.

I've stomped my foot in public, in some way..., at people sending me telepathic messages of racism to me.

I used store cards as allowance and we forgot a payment or something and were charged more, before spent the money my parents gave me but didn't technically say when to use.


I've grown up with people saying I'm perfect, well-behaved, smart ... that I could never get in trouble.  Now, my life sometimes focuses most strongly on these few things that happened when I found I was being monitored in private and mistreated and we moved to Orlando and I had to come home from college.

A Personally Muddled Network

Did you know the people monitoring me in private bring up my relatives who rarely talk to me and friends who no longer talk to me?  I have wanted to talk to people, but we have fallen behind.  I wonder why this is.  They are brought up either just as a supposed discipline tool or for something to talk about, too.  My family got a step closer, too, when we happened to move to Orlando.  I yelled for my mom to get out of my room, this one time earlier on.  I was sorta ignored in the family, though, after I had to come home from a prestigious college with the 2nd highest scholarship, after being told not to take singing because I wasn't the type.

Update

side of blog

Please post on my forum!

My Forum

You know, people like to be suggestive to an older lady I like.  They are really being mean because I'm alive.

but they make the reason to get her away from me when they sometimes think it's because she was with me

It's always because I'm supposedly in trouble.

Even if people aren't guilty.

I wonder if she is happy and likes it.  That is good.  I mean, I'm ready to live my life, but we keep talking about this weird stuff sometimes.  I don't want to think I ruined it.  All I tried to do to start was express my concern and intelligence.  I guess people "lost it."  I was posting on my blog, not trying to ring on people busy in the situation.

I think people are just confused and don't know what they want.  I saw a girl born around 1997/1998 probably with old parents pass by in a line at Disney, and I thought I saw she thought to her mom, "What I want?  I don't know what I want."  It was like it was too much to ask of her in any way.  You know, people are intent to not let people feel special like that.

I think this lady needs that, but I thought she already got it.  I wonder why she is alone.

I can tell people are participating with the monitoring me in private.

the best football game

New Orleans vs Jacksonville FL which is about the same latitude

I try to avoid this topic, but even at home it is important.

What is LA, the opposite of everything?

Why does it have to be this way?   You know, people did it to her individually, but she's gone, in certain ways.

Why is the older lady I like inappropriately stimulated?

I don't have problems, but my life got more boring in some ways leaving college with nowhere good to go.

So... my life is much better, but that's not the only reason why.

I think the world is taking it great, but I feel sorry for them in some ways.  It's still gone, and I feel like I don't care there might not be an afterlife.  Who thinks that?  People have accumulated themselves in anti-God religions in some comfort that it might be there.  Witches.

Hey, it can be drastically worse to go through this.

People are under the illusion that if anyone knows about the older lady I like that it's the widespread underground fame.

It seems like one person has changed my life.

It looks like it can't be okay because supposedly it wasn't important for me but maybe okay because it is for her.

I'm not gonna accept other people saying I'm bad.

Also, people are promoting her for her generation and race.

It's the people in the world who are closer to me making this bad, it seems sometimes, acting like I'm bad and need to be punished.  It might be okay, though, because the older lady might have done it.

They aren't doing anything important with the lady, just want to punish me, for selfish reasons.

People don't care.  This is worse than OJ.

It seems like I lost the relationship in some ways, like I'm rooting on the exploitation.

Well, this comes up sometimes, like I'm a werewolf, but hasn't been often.  It seems like the answer to the question about what the problem supposedly is.

Supposedly, we were gonna make the older lady I like okay and then go back to business.

I don't like the way they promote the older lady I like.

Why is it all about underground fame now that the older lady I like is underground famous, but I'm treated like I'm bad?

What, did they think the older lady I like didn't fit in right?

There's not much going on, just realize more shit like how adults don't care about kids.

Anyway, aside from "saying" and overly focusing on that, how will I be okay?

I do forget about the lady in cases like this.

Someone said I was a part of my family which is a failure, but I think she liked it, and I just found out it's true but "not liked."

...but just listen, I am nothing to the older lady I liked and "stuck" with other people still.

I'm not sure what will become of my life in progress.  I made progress that I can make a stand, a feeling like cursing but not disgusting, something more "local" of life, that can be practiced in the home or halfway house, as well as on this blog...

This is just evil, but I don't care.

Whoever did it!

Why aren't other people important?

I don't need my thoughts and attitudes trashed what I go through.

I'll never have anything.  I don't even care if there is an afterlife.  I find comfort in material things.

I think my yearnings have been stolen.  It's not there, anymore.  You know, it used to be important.

They are just trying to humiliate me, for little things, and let other people get all the good stuff.

It is suggested some people I knew was hurt by someone and now this.

What, are these 1 1/2 years a joke?

I want it back! whatever other people think they can take from me. but I don't care anymore.

How can I have a relationship with an older lady I like if I can't stand that since she's exploited by people thinking I'm in trouble that she doesn't care about my underground fame because it doesn't make sense now that she's "equally" underground famous maybe, like she could have "lost it."  She "doesn't need me" and her underground fame is more suggestive, like I don't exist anymore and I don't want someone else to replace her for me.

Is everyone going to be like 1 person in how they are "stimulated" when this person was "younger?"

I don't want to go by what my parents are, so who cares if I copied someone else?

I still don't know if it's a race where everyone wants 1 thing.  I was a strong member of the group of people who "know" everyone is different ... unique.  We all have a place, though most people are complacent.  I wonder if anyone thinks they should exactly have what I have but then have it better and more.  I am not a brat, though.

Don't bother complaining, no one can make anyone do anything.

Why do some Germans act like they are better when they are not?

Instagram

Ooh!

November 2016 but I think it was shot earlier.

#PhilippeJaroussky i la #FreiburgerBarockorchester

A post shared by joan (@cibernautajoan) on Nov 15, 2016 at 4:40am PST

Instagram

Peculiar.  I was interested in Germany and still am.

Trabajando 😂🍸 #freiburgerbarockorchester

A post shared by Lady D ♛ (@soy_alii) on Oct 8, 2016 at 11:22am PDT

I was right, there was something wrong with inappropriate stimulation for the older lady I like because people think she got addicted and I will be stuck alone with less.

I included my feelings for other races in how I look in a positive way as an introduction to the world, but it does not make me bad racially, like Germans are better now and not even the same amount good.

It's funny when all the people who you think would like you who are cool and emotional and different ages ... act like you didn't want to talk to them ... and people think you're too good for even such good people even for fun you could have in life and the rush... but in the end you rot and not have a good life involving others well.

Also, I noticed that someone acts like they are the only person in the world who did what they were supposed to and they are just asking for like people to step up, but when a younger person has a contribution in such a way, it turns out they said they were the only person who were allowed to be emotional, in this regard, because they were born in this world first and are the original person who did this.

I think it's nice if the older lady I like likes to be underground famous.

I know her generation and race made her attractive, but people still are more attracted to other people for their differences but don't say it.

If I like her, they say that means I am not allowed to have a good relationship with her because they think that means she's too good for me, like that's just their kind of logic but just for me.

You know, so what if the older lady I like is underground famous?  Now, she seems like she's better than me and not as attracted to me, in some ways, and it's what people like in my life day to day and weird.

Well, it did happen, and she was already famous underground.