On the Other Hand

They made it worse.

cont.

Orlando! / Central Florida! The people's person - no one wants you!  (I don't mean the good ones..)

This is something kind of sensitive and important to me.

I was wondering why, all of a sudden, like, everyone is telling me I'm bad because someone older gave me attention.

I just bought all these dresses in the AM hours, for school at least.

I got 6 dresses and black knee high socks, all for like $180.

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Something Interesting

The people watching me in private always are supposedly quite obese with problems, and it's talked about.

YIKES!!!

If I get at 80% on my Practice Test, I can go back and check my answers on the actual test, next class period.  I got just that.

It's funny when people think they are more attractive than everyone else.

Why do I feel like I'm supposed to say I'm sorry about something, in general, where can I do that?

There's an explanation for everything, I guess...  I still am unsure of what to do.

People ask me questions telepathically, and it makes me uncomfortable and I can get in trouble for other people testing me, like a weak spot, if my reaction is something like that I don't like them.

Through With My Dad

I feel I know him as much as I ever will.

There are ways to hit and feel happy about your family because they have cared about you.

To Sum It Up

I was always good, and I feel comfortable in different ways around different people.

People would never suggest that I get closer to my parents in uncomfortable ways.  Central Florida / Orlando and other places in their "horrible, hopping hindsight" are different.

I know what it is.

They like people who are mean because it feels good at the time.

Why?

Some problems won't be solved, if you're just going through other people's family trees for a long time.

I believe in trying to make things good; I mean, though, who doesn't, not just me.

When will people stop manipulating me?

I get a funny feeling people who "don't matter as much" to me ruin my life if I lose focus and do something that bothers them.

Lies

So, should we forget the hopes of people mattering and just think our family is compatible in a family way?

It's funny when I feel trapped by people like I'm of the parents of the generation before the Baby Boom, like I'm "good enough" for something like that, at least.

I mean that Late Boomers are treated better.

It's been 13 years, and still I didn't get a nicer life like I was bargained for what I had already.

2005 - in trouble for getting sick

2006 - noises outside my dorm and weird classes

2007-2010 - in my room online alone

2011 - living on medicine that makes me tired and life go by fast

2012 - watched Ellen DeGeneres and followed online constantly

2013 - pulled out of college again

2014-2015 - still on medicine and went back to church, only to be excommunicated

2016-present - violin

My Life Being Communicated With Privately Being Watched in Private

I knew since 2005, don't know when they started or how or anything, maybe its nature is just usually on a whim, involving my dad.

I was supposed to do this to have a nice life and know more people, but it's about getting close to people I'm related to in uncomfortable and very undesired ways.  It also ruins the relationships I may have, for no reason.  You know, that sounds like something wrong Germany, in general, does, saying it's been about looking close to your family or relatives before branching out ... but that is not to happen, like that with me.

Popularity Contest

It seems people did something foolish and said I wasn't worth it because of my dad, who is obese and upset with me.

Relatives

They act like they know me well, but they never want to have fun with me and seem short on communication, though I see them loud and about.

Whenever I am having fun with other people, it seems my dad and sometimes others are thinking why don't I just be with them, instead, and I don't like that neither, in that way.

Why do people think I have a problem, all of a sudden?  I have problems at home.

The Central Florida / Orlando area is so demonstrative.

They think if you are not perfect and there's something else weird, like being only 1/2 white, that you're worth nothing.  They will demonstrate for you, like a kid in daycare.

Update

New Facebook

It's funny some Latinos and the other Southern Europeans think Asia will compensate racially for what they do because they have ancestry from adjacent and maybe similar areas, possibly, at least according to Wikipedia.  It's nice, but they Southern Europeans are not to "bring" Asians "down."

It's like Southern Europeans want Oriental cultures to succumb ancestrally.  They are singling us out, though, telling us we did bad things we didn't do.  Some fantasy.

It seems like Later Generation X and their kids are going crazy acting overly submissive.  I wonder what the parents of the Later Generation X think, who are Early Boomers or older.  It seems like they do that or make other people do that, too.

I don't like when people single me out racially and then look down on me.

Update

Race: mostly Germanic/Oriental

cont.

You think, maybe it's okay not to exercise and okay to eat however you want.  Like, that's the status quo?  Exercise is important, but most people go and go far.  No one seems to just be in shape.  There's a gap, there, and I'm not sure what it means or how it happens.  It seems that a lot of people are not healthy, still, like they're stressed out.  I wonder what the racial/ethnic demographic is of this, here in the US.  I know that supposedly Italians are more recent immigrants in most places.  Maybe, they are stronger, as a race, too.

Healthcare

How many Americans are on pills to keep them alive??!

"Early to Bed, Early to Rise"

I wonder why "early to bed" works.  It's hard to fall asleep.  When I wake up early, I go back to bed.

Why are people acting weird, in America, like if someone from Europe talks to me, American rules apply, which are things I've not seen made clear to all ... like if you think you can just be normal, they say you have to "lose it," forever.

Feeling Excited

I hope to be accepted at a 2nd community college, again.  I was told to go on a break because I was getting behind the class, but it's probably another reason they didn't say...

So, the other school has German, 2 levels.  Then, I'll need to transfer to take German somewhere else here or elsewhere in Florida, for less tuitions.  I'm actually a Music major.  So, I'll be dually enrolled:
-Music Theory I or III?
-Music Ensemble
-Private Violin
-German I

I'll probably
-do music theory in the mornings Monday-Thursday at one school
-bus to the next for German a couple days
-one night I have an ensemble
-there's also the private lesson, hopefully the same day as the ensemble

I guess I can study at school Mondays, after school Tuesdays and Thursdays, and more time the other days.  I don't go to church, maybe because the bus takes too much effort and I don't want a ride.

Falling, Again

My math homework ... I'm factoring by sliding ... I know how to do the problems, but it seems, when you don't factor things a certain way, you can mess up.  I even double check everything.  Test next class.

I am tired, "saving room for" Pizza Hut.  I can't bring myself to try to do this, again.

Why do people act like people with nonwhite blood are bothering them?

Prejudice

When someone of a discriminated generation or part or full nonwhite race does something big, people just pretend they were only waiting for someone of a more popular generation and just people with a more northern European or German-descended race.

It seems some people get what they want because they are either born in Late Boom or Generation Z (1997/1998,) while the rest of us are made to feel ashamed of ourselves, like we all happen to be so bad.. forever.

Why do Late Boomers, in general, come up and tell you what you do and that you're just wrong? like they're cranky or deserve something you don't.  A lotta people don't get what they want.

...or they test you and if you do anything that seems disagreeable remotely or whatever, they're upset much and consequences come like a "domino effect."

Update

My Hight: 5'3"-5'4"

Would you obsess over fame or what you do in it sorta?

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Music

Music

2005


2016

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Music

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2005


I'm with L.A.

Music

1969


1980

Me

2016

Music

1992


1983

Music

1989


1997/1998


1989 - Finnish


2014 - Georgia, Southeastern US


The Voice Kids - Australia - 2014

I'm failing.

I can't see how I'm worth it.


I'm not going crazy.  I wonder how much I could be worth to anyone, peculiarly here in Central Florida.

Guard Dogs

It seems like Southern Europeans and Near Easterners are just the guard dogs of more Northern Europe.

So, are people saying, "Okay, Christina made a mistake.  Can we sacrifice her and believe everyone else whatever they do is right knowing what Christina did was all that's wrong and it's like we're just in Heaven forever now? except for Christina."

Maybe, you want to be able to do some things, to know you can, but not to do it for certain people.

Organ

I'm sad I lost my organ skills, but I still have some.

I have a certain connection to people who are more "old-fashioned" and are more rigid, uptight, and pompous, in a good way, something I share that I'm excited with them.  People all try to change that and make fun of it, like they're generous being a "people person," like they got something done, like it's their business.

I think people are really overly excited about people who are Late Boomers or have Late Boomer parents regarding being "naughty," in general.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am subconsciously guilty, like people are getting me out of the way.

Why are people in turmoil over maybe some younger people with Late Boom parents?  Some people just keep it a problem and don't directly address it.  Others...  They are counting on it to be a problem.  Sometimes, people hide who some people's parents are, but you know they are Late Boomers; yet, they over analyze you suddenly saying you aren't as good if they find fault in your parents but not you.

Changes

It seems that I can't schedule my feelings in private nor relate to others privately, but it "sucks" too anyway.

Racial Responsibility

People are acting shocked if mixed people of the more Northern European race mixed with Spanish or Italian or other Southern European or mixed European subraces are worried about being discriminated against socially, like if people will have a social exchange with you, without looking down on you racially.  It was the same with Eurasians.

As a hapa or Eurasian, I see Southern Europeans as white Europeans.  I even see Middle Easterners as Caucasians.  They look white and act white and have fair features.  Black people look very different.  It seems that having black skin is the dividing feature.  Arabs can look European, for instance, just with dark hair and sometimes white skin.  Blacks have the most problems passing as white.  Other races can get by.  However, Asians are like Northern Europeans in their own way in that they are not as rough.  They seem different racially, but I'm focusing on racial mixes.  I haven't met too many Eurasians who seem happy, though.

Here's a half Russian half Chinese, guess she looks happy for a Eurasian and whiter than the others.  I saw another half Russian half Chinese who looked more European.

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I've felt discrimination for not being mostly 1/2 German or something, myself.  The ancestry tests all gave me different results.  It looks pretty funny, I have a pretty good Asian mom, and I see all these hot, younger-looking guys with Asian wives who look like they have more problems physically.  I know Filipinos have European culture to a degree from the Spanish, which actually Asians are older than Southern Europeans as a race.  Maybe, most of my mom's line has a lot of Dutch influence from Indonesia for hundreds of years.  My dad was into martial arts as an adult, but I don't know if we are that compatible.  Ever since we moved to Central Florida, he's been onto me, and I have to stay away.  He used to not be as rough about his race and acted like he liked Asian things, philosophically, though no one made him be that way.  It's funny when people act like I'm not as white as my parents.  That's messed up.  People in Central Florida are like that.  They don't really think that, but they figure it to be that way, consistently I feel.  Actually, I feel others think so, too.

"Let Bygones Be Bygones"

A ballet song by an orchestra from Minnesota in the "Midwest" of the US was on.  I met someone from Minnesota.

It seems that doing ballet is a lot of concentration for some people.  I wonder what happens when other things begin to look more attractive.

I was thinking of doing something like acting or musical theater, but I think classical music is better.  I don't know what people do to get in Hollywood, but it doesn't look easy to be content.

Bella Thorne was pretty good, but she seems to be under the radar.  She is born in 1997 in the same county I'm originally from.

Bella Thorne - 2014
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It seems like other racial mixes all have more rights than me, no matter what they do.

Things left unsaid may not best be assumed.

It's funny how people know me and then they wait and think I'm like other nonwhites.

"Oh, she learned it at home."

Pretty much, I'm certified morally in most all of the US..  However, people test me all the time, and I find somehow I'm out in other places.

I forgot to drop a class and am on a strict academic plan and so have to take it, Music and Movement, a Music Education class.  I was thinking maybe I would, why I didn't drop it earlier.

Do I need to socially repay anything / to anybody that I owe them?

Well

I gave my Classical Music speech today, score! because I had it memorized sorta with just flash cards to guide me!  I was going for memorizing the whole thing.  Also, I picked this topic from a list.

People think that there's "an exception to the rules" and it's okay like there's an excuse to be mean, if it's in a racist way.

Do I get to do something exciting with it like wear a police badge? or even like joining the armed forces at age 32? or is it something that is annoying?

What is the mystery I'm supposed to waste my life looking for that whites are mean to blacks?  If it's my same problems, then they're wrong.

I noticed people encourage other people to feel great pleasure and condone me for any, sometimes.

Update

My Stuff - Online Forums

film boards

Ever since I used to curse on my blog about people annoying me constantly via little ticking noises they put in my room ... I've been in trouble.  I notice anyone who meets me now becomes more popular than me, acting like they can handle this situation with the blueprint of my past of what doesn't work in front of them ... and I am annoyed I'm infamous how it is, with my life affected...

I had a nice time talking to a counselor with Irish, English, 2% Spanish, and Scandinavian...

I need to lay down.

I'm starting to creek and sway.

Not looking forward to night spirits.

Is Germany?...

...latching onto the Irish, punishing you creatively and still sensitive to race in 2 ways?

Concerned About My Irish Dad

I'm not into his type.  😁  He likes to act cordial as he lets you know you are to be "punished" for not agreeing, like he made it okay by being cordial, suddenly in a certain way.  He's also from Pennsylvania, and so he acts like you know everything you're supposed to do and if you do one thing that seems questionable, he turns on to it.  I dunno about this, I think it's farmers, but they like to test you and think they outsmarted you and then blame you for everything you did then.

My Parents Don't Savor Cooking but My Dad Loves Eating

Why can't he "help himself" or "fix something up" for himself?

He doesn't even grill.

Sometimes, I don't like eating, but I want to have energy and maybe still get taller because I feel small with short legs.  I crave Starbucks, though.

I'm concerned everyone feels for my dad.

Fever - Doing Things "Literally"

I think Central Florida is bad but not worthless yet demented.  I don't think there was need to be violent to African American slaves just because it seemed habitual and ceremonial to them.  Like, Germany was so good, but there were so many Nazis.  It's like Southerners thought African Americans were meant to be sacrificed.

Feeling Refreshed and Maybe More Ready for Bed...

...I feel a little blank like it's time for bed.

I feel like I talk about feelings rather than having them, sometimes.  I wonder if my life has come to some capstone of completing something.  I wonder about having feelings concerning things related to what people do.  Maybe, I have too many communication tools but nothing to do with it.  Communication is about looks, like Twitter and the pictures on Facebook.  We can communicate, but now we communicate "living in style."  In Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, there is more than one stage of how we are that is related to feelings.

I feel I could have had a richer life.  I wanted more friends more.  I think they secretly turned on me and manipulated my life.  They had their reason...  IM isn't the same, anymore.  People weren't friendly when the internet came out enough.  I'm not sure how many people, but it seemed at least some must have only been excited at first.  I wasn't sure about an online journal, did not think of it.  That's what I want, more than the IM with friends.  It seems sad there are only obscure message boards.  You know, you look up something juicy and find it is a topic on an obscure message board about something else?

How I'm Doing

I was talking to counselors at school for, like, 2 hours about saying my teacher is good but making me uncomfortable...  I was giving them my background.

I'm gonna go get something ... to ... eat ...

I can't do if people can act mean and think my disagreeing is a fight.

Wars

WWI&II were a Caucasian war.

The Vietnam and Korean Wars were Asian.  I still don't know to this day what they were for but have asked my dad.

The Revolutionary War was probably the biggest war of all I can think of.  Most people think it's the Civil War.  Funny how people can get away with being mean to African Americans / "black people."

People both condemn people for WWI and WWII and encourage it to hurt people like me.

So, what can I do to be a good citizen?

So, My Fair Lady is on...

...is she attractive for her figure or her ethnicites/race?

We used to dream of doing things to test things like this movie.  We were supposed to, but I guess not?

Let's see if you can walk in a straight line.

Who is worth it?

So, I am blaming people for ruining it for me, too.

Let me catch this thought.  It seems that Late Boomers are putting Generation X and sometimes particularly me under pressure to say if I don't accept I'm not worth much or something ... I have to do that "or else."

You know, I do realize that ... that people treated me badly and are making sure I don't improve so they can look better.  You know what I mean?  How people dote on some babies and not others but in unfair ways?  Well, if you are mistreated but good, you are like me.  You aren't attractive, but you're "right."

Let me, please allow me to, explain something to ask for help.  I accidentally said something to someone who said something like that to me first.  I even said I was, like, just talking to them for fun.  Of course, they did not respond regardless.  I realized it was bad and apologized.

My dad thinks I need to be greatly punished for any little wrong thought, which he knows, too, for example, to elaborate on how I stand.


So, I see that people are actually making me uncomfortable holding me as bad while they communicate with me in ways that are supposed to be enjoyable.  I'm not quite sure what the problem is I need to think about.  It sounds like I cracked under pressure.  No one "forgives" me.

I'm upset how things turned out, like how it didn't matter how someone thought of me, like I should forget about them.

So, people try to get by me without weird situations, but then I come home to more problems and my private life ruined.  I didn't really get why anyone could act like I owe things etc.  No one really cares if I care about anything, but, when I'm minding my own business here, they symbolically approach me about that.

People are mad if I am hurt because I can feel sorrow for myself.

"Bucket List"

People make up reasons to think of myself badly racially, but I didn't suggest that to be on my "bucket list."

People tell me what not to talk about but talk about it later among themselves.

Racism Against Whites

It's what part white multiracials feel.

Lies

People try to make up ways I am not good enough to communicate.

No Time for This

People want to exclude me from life but offer opportunity to many other people who are full Asian or other races.  They shouldn't even be able to claim they can detect suddenly that I am unacceptable racially.  People used to not be able to tell.