Friday, July 6, 2018
Thursday, July 5, 2018
*tears of joy* but why?
People like my gay abandon where I don't give a care, but why attention like that for me?
Instead of the strong woman I knew someone to be, without a question, I now find, for whatever the reason, a lady who has to check herself and cannot speak to me as otherwise/before, just because she knows the whole world is always obsessing over her and want her to be in a gay abandon of bad inappropriate pleasure.
If you have a really good friend, do you give them up and let them live it up?
If you have a really good friend, do you give them up and let them live it up?
I talked to a counselor about my math teacher bothering me the whole class last week, and now I feel in trouble. I just don't want anything bad to happen!
I feel a bit invaded, as what it is.
It seems people from older generations got a chance to get ahead and compensate me. I don't stand a chance. A lot of people are mean and don't like me. I go around and get constant racism. I get dirty looks and people shying away like I'm not good enough. Sometimes, it's not like that, but there's always the chance!
I feel like I've been robbed and taken advantage of, my life compensated.
People all are interested in ruining my life, sometimes, around me, it feels. They want to make sure I don't have relationships how I want with who I want or even what other people also want. I do come across some people. I wish we would exchange Facebooks and start something.
I feel a bit invaded, as what it is.
It seems people from older generations got a chance to get ahead and compensate me. I don't stand a chance. A lot of people are mean and don't like me. I go around and get constant racism. I get dirty looks and people shying away like I'm not good enough. Sometimes, it's not like that, but there's always the chance!
I feel like I've been robbed and taken advantage of, my life compensated.
People all are interested in ruining my life, sometimes, around me, it feels. They want to make sure I don't have relationships how I want with who I want or even what other people also want. I do come across some people. I wish we would exchange Facebooks and start something.
Hopeless
I feel like I could just lose out and go or die. I feel people don't care and are kinda waiting for it.
What?
This isn't some mystery for fun, ruining my life because you aren't busier fixing your own life/problems.
1 Question and More
Well, I have 1 question, now. Is me suffering from an older person I "look up to" and have a "relationship" with ... being exploited and in a certain way being "over" or "on top of" me ... justified to the people who have "given" in my life?
The older person I "look up to" and have a "relationship" with "telepathically" or symbolically/secretly seems to have said the only hint in a warning is that it's unimportant that the fame I have had means what it used to because it just makes her uncomfortable about being heavily exploited herself.
However, it seems I am in trouble in other ways, concerning her, stemming from the fact that this simply doesn't seem to be ideal but then again I let her have what is best for her socially, after some unavoided confusion constantly invading my world. It's like the fact I couldn't see it as okay what other people did to ruin it ... is why. I don't blame her and if she likes it I'm happy. It seems like I don't matter like most other people in general, probably because I have non-Caucasian blood significantly.
I guess another thing that came to mind is that people have started to use the older person I "look up to" and have a "relationship" with to say I'm not all that and make it a big deal that she is better than me in certain ways, significantly. First, I was prestigious; meet her, I'm not because other people did that. All those people act like her Oompa Loompas as their excuse for how they are, but they used to look up to me.
Also, I've had some hard times but haven't just changed into a bad person. I am sorry for things I did when I thought no one kept track of me. I had a bad environment, the Orlando / "Central Florida" area. It wasn't anything that bad and I didn't start the problems or on purpose. It can be seen as horrific, though, which is what/why. People know my personal life and were threatened to hurt me. People who help me have already ruined my life, some of them, too. No one cares because it's not about what they are doing. They think subconsciously that I do nothing.
So, what is it about the weird "half ass" ways people insist they are into repetitively infusing the older person I "look up to" and have a "relationship" with. They know other people, but they chose to affect her in some good ways and some bad ways, but the bad ways are important too.
I'm getting that I'm put out there to be rejected, according to things like culture. It was inviting, and I'm a good person with a hard life and no one cares but acts like I am just annoying or am hopeless anyway because of others of what the past has instilled in me or my environment.
If I used to be liked in fame and still am by the top, I am having a hard time figuring if the older person I "look up to" and have a "relationship" should be. It was glorious for me. I know she has to say no, like I said people don't have to do anything for me, but now she knows people will do it for her anyway and she sorta goes through seemingly ideas of "guilt" cycles about how I was put down for her sake, when she was such a nice person and still is. Simply, she can't talk to me in certain ways like before because of this. I've been abused with people doing this for over year, hating on me, acting like she's being horrifically inappropriately stimulated. People could do this for others, but they chose to do this for me. I'm big on that. I have that ingrained, in me, now. I mean that fame people have, but it's what kind of fame it is.
I'm being abused to want the relationship, like this is what I deserve.
People are acting like they can be mean to me still because they think the pressure the older person I "look up to" and have a "relationship" with means she has to act more cold to me concerning me.
I found someone I was interested in, and I am told I was bad to think I could still have a "relationship" with the older person I "look up to." I thought I was in trouble for thinking of her of then, too, like I should not robotically think of her just to be insistent, like it wasn't real feelings. I assumed that means I should have fun with the other person... which would mean I was still in the "relationship," except I lost faith in something we had in common that was hopeless to me too, like that was a dividing factor I guess too. So, I am guilty of leaving the older person I "look up to" I have a "relationship" with, like it or not. I was a bit stressed from the fighting with others involving knowing her, so that was also offensive to think. I do have problems with such weird things or things I am not competent in. So, I feel that might have stopped a good time, what I did when I left for awhile and was with someone else socially.
I feel people are telling me I'm not worth much anyway but this person is just being nice to me and is someone everyone wants because it's me or because they want her away from me.
People are "admitting" I'm not that good and just in the way and they want what I have in life. The older person I "look up to" and have a "relationship" with is literally in the position of modesty where people do things for her anyway and everyone climbs on the bandwagon, thinking I am in trouble. It's like they can jump into love and I can't. I haven't really been too pressuring. It's like people wanted me out all along, and I never said anyone had to do anything for me.
It is important to me, though. People want to act like they are in need for the older person I "look up to" and have a "relationship" with. It's valuable. Why are they saying a person I like I have a "relationship" with doesn't matter to me because they don't have it but now say it's their turn for good. People push me to get out there so they can say they are right just because they can say I am wrong, when it's untrue and they think it's the new, better way.
People are literally saying I can't talk to who I want to.
People are pushing me to other people out there, and they have a new person for them as a whole, whoever I like and could have had a "relationship" with.
People are just tossing me around and trying to compensate me.
If people want me to be with other people instead, why don't they? It makes more sense. It's what more people want. I am also well-rounded and reasonable. No one has to do anything for me nor be with me. You just naturally meet people to whatever degree.
The older person I "look up to" and have a "relationship" with "telepathically" or symbolically/secretly seems to have said the only hint in a warning is that it's unimportant that the fame I have had means what it used to because it just makes her uncomfortable about being heavily exploited herself.
However, it seems I am in trouble in other ways, concerning her, stemming from the fact that this simply doesn't seem to be ideal but then again I let her have what is best for her socially, after some unavoided confusion constantly invading my world. It's like the fact I couldn't see it as okay what other people did to ruin it ... is why. I don't blame her and if she likes it I'm happy. It seems like I don't matter like most other people in general, probably because I have non-Caucasian blood significantly.
I guess another thing that came to mind is that people have started to use the older person I "look up to" and have a "relationship" with to say I'm not all that and make it a big deal that she is better than me in certain ways, significantly. First, I was prestigious; meet her, I'm not because other people did that. All those people act like her Oompa Loompas as their excuse for how they are, but they used to look up to me.
Also, I've had some hard times but haven't just changed into a bad person. I am sorry for things I did when I thought no one kept track of me. I had a bad environment, the Orlando / "Central Florida" area. It wasn't anything that bad and I didn't start the problems or on purpose. It can be seen as horrific, though, which is what/why. People know my personal life and were threatened to hurt me. People who help me have already ruined my life, some of them, too. No one cares because it's not about what they are doing. They think subconsciously that I do nothing.
So, what is it about the weird "half ass" ways people insist they are into repetitively infusing the older person I "look up to" and have a "relationship" with. They know other people, but they chose to affect her in some good ways and some bad ways, but the bad ways are important too.
I'm getting that I'm put out there to be rejected, according to things like culture. It was inviting, and I'm a good person with a hard life and no one cares but acts like I am just annoying or am hopeless anyway because of others of what the past has instilled in me or my environment.
If I used to be liked in fame and still am by the top, I am having a hard time figuring if the older person I "look up to" and have a "relationship" should be. It was glorious for me. I know she has to say no, like I said people don't have to do anything for me, but now she knows people will do it for her anyway and she sorta goes through seemingly ideas of "guilt" cycles about how I was put down for her sake, when she was such a nice person and still is. Simply, she can't talk to me in certain ways like before because of this. I've been abused with people doing this for over year, hating on me, acting like she's being horrifically inappropriately stimulated. People could do this for others, but they chose to do this for me. I'm big on that. I have that ingrained, in me, now. I mean that fame people have, but it's what kind of fame it is.
I'm being abused to want the relationship, like this is what I deserve.
People are acting like they can be mean to me still because they think the pressure the older person I "look up to" and have a "relationship" with means she has to act more cold to me concerning me.
I found someone I was interested in, and I am told I was bad to think I could still have a "relationship" with the older person I "look up to." I thought I was in trouble for thinking of her of then, too, like I should not robotically think of her just to be insistent, like it wasn't real feelings. I assumed that means I should have fun with the other person... which would mean I was still in the "relationship," except I lost faith in something we had in common that was hopeless to me too, like that was a dividing factor I guess too. So, I am guilty of leaving the older person I "look up to" I have a "relationship" with, like it or not. I was a bit stressed from the fighting with others involving knowing her, so that was also offensive to think. I do have problems with such weird things or things I am not competent in. So, I feel that might have stopped a good time, what I did when I left for awhile and was with someone else socially.
I feel people are telling me I'm not worth much anyway but this person is just being nice to me and is someone everyone wants because it's me or because they want her away from me.
People are "admitting" I'm not that good and just in the way and they want what I have in life. The older person I "look up to" and have a "relationship" with is literally in the position of modesty where people do things for her anyway and everyone climbs on the bandwagon, thinking I am in trouble. It's like they can jump into love and I can't. I haven't really been too pressuring. It's like people wanted me out all along, and I never said anyone had to do anything for me.
It is important to me, though. People want to act like they are in need for the older person I "look up to" and have a "relationship" with. It's valuable. Why are they saying a person I like I have a "relationship" with doesn't matter to me because they don't have it but now say it's their turn for good. People push me to get out there so they can say they are right just because they can say I am wrong, when it's untrue and they think it's the new, better way.
People are literally saying I can't talk to who I want to.
People are pushing me to other people out there, and they have a new person for them as a whole, whoever I like and could have had a "relationship" with.
People are just tossing me around and trying to compensate me.
If people want me to be with other people instead, why don't they? It makes more sense. It's what more people want. I am also well-rounded and reasonable. No one has to do anything for me nor be with me. You just naturally meet people to whatever degree.
Wednesday, July 4, 2018
Too Much Pressure
I got all the highest grades except for library I remember in 6th grade, highest average in 5th grade, highest in 7th grade, and Valedictorian in 8th grade, recognized 4.0 scholar for 1st half of high school.
The pressure is that sometimes the work was hard. I started to lose sleep. I wanted to play softball, but it was unavailable. I developed too quickly and then stopped growing. I wonder what I could have done.
The pressure is that sometimes the work was hard. I started to lose sleep. I wanted to play softball, but it was unavailable. I developed too quickly and then stopped growing. I wonder what I could have done.
I wonder if they handled me wrongly when they said I could not major in Music Education nor take singing. They said I was too shy. I had no behavior issues.
I didn't know where to go. I wanted to stay in my major.
I wonder how I finally remembered I was interested in violin because that's what I'm doing now. It might have still been better if I stayed in college. I didn't really need an extended and super long break.
I gained weight, in the end, which I feel both small and big in bad ways.
I didn't know where to go. I wanted to stay in my major.
I wonder how I finally remembered I was interested in violin because that's what I'm doing now. It might have still been better if I stayed in college. I didn't really need an extended and super long break.
I gained weight, in the end, which I feel both small and big in bad ways.
Tuesday, July 3, 2018
Monday, July 2, 2018
Dream
Someone older I like asked to use my calculator, "Christina..." I said I thought it was okay though it fell a couple times
Too Late
People are saying Late Boomers should get what people like me and my age supposedly should have and more, that if they are attractive that means no interaction in attractiveness for younger people, even some of us good ones.
How tall are we supposed to be? I heard 5'3"/5'4" wasn't really short. It might be lower average. I am short from being a gymnast and being fit but also losing sleep for homework busywork. I never was sure how tall I wanted to be it seemed. I think my legs are short, so maybe I'm not small as a person otherwise. It might be the jogging I did in high school.
When people are mean to me, I just get treated worse it seems, like it had to be that way. Why do I deserve that people I know get famous over me just to say I'm not worth it? like I did something really wrong and am alone and need to be ashamed of myself? I mean I am in a way, but they were mean to me before.
In a way, in general maybe, if an old friend wants to be what seems like a star for other countries is fine by me, but don't like find me and just come in and ruin it specifically for me. I wonder if she is to be a princess of her favorite country or mine, but I do not have such a desire. They made 2 Disney princesses after her. I wonder who told them or if they just knew.
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