How I'm Doing

It was a wonder I finished all that math.

I am in Music and Movement, an Education class, and I have to build an instrument.  I am doing tubular bells from England in the 1800s.

I'm worried it'll be hard to get enough sleep, but tomorrow's not a long day.


I had a good day.  I feel upset, like people are just playing with me.

I've learned to cope, but sometimes something comes up.


Plans for the future, for my future... community colleges fall 2018

German (at a different community college)
Violin
Music Theory
"Symphonic Band"
Instrumental Jazz Ensemble (something extra)
Jazz Dance
Yoga

I  just don't know if I can get FAFSA for it all.

I can't wait for this semester to be over!


Well, tootles!

...everybody! ...wake up!

and amidst it all

I care for me.

I just took the money I won rather than going for it all.

What's wrong with "this land" of which I am deporting?

I thought this was going to work out.

I was so happy about so many things  ...I have a Scandinavian last name...  etc. etc.  I stood up for myself from bossiness I finally radar-ed.  "All that" could be taken from me.  I'm an adult and I'm self-sufficient emotionally.  I can still connect to Fort Lauderdale very well, like it's my home country.

They think I am a mixed race animal to cage up and interpret me as such and them as having rights as all others.

Overall, I am unhappy.

Everyone swears someone older I like who is nice to me said to be mean to me, and even people in authority approve of this.  Funny, they wait to come out.

I'm not some lunatic dreamer.

Even to do with things outside of my personal life, people here give you the eagle eye.

Pathetic

No one should be telling me what to do.  I am the boss of me, and these other people bothering me are mean and therefore unsuccessful too.

Ellen DeGeneres is popular for having a French last name.  I don't mean there aren't other reasons.

I don't care what the people of Orlando / Central Florida say, all the annoying ones.

I don't minus myself from social situations, like nothing's there.  I was being fed that suggestion today.

I can't talk about important, interesting things I see that aren't "perfect" concerning anyone important to me, ideas that I had to do with something they thought.

If no one listens to what I say, I can say whatever I want.

It's nice to see people happy, but I'm not.

My life is really no one's business.

Technical Error, Technical Difficulties

If I am "good enough" for something, why just linger on who my parents and family and friends are?  That would taint it, like nothing matters.

You might have other aspects of the situation, but still, and conveniences.  I'm not telling anyone what to do to me.

I was talking about something else important I did by mistake people won't leave me alone about, and I got into parallel situations with Facebook ... but because no on wanted me to talk about it I took the blog post down.

Church Music

Fun Church Music

I watched the speech at the beginning, genius, if you're into the church with its music.




"Lame" Church Tunes

Something I'm Really Not Going to Do.. Exactly

I'm not gonna be submissive and succumb to the perversion I am witnessing.

Learning to Let Go

I wanted either my former, more private, and healthy relationship or possibly it being more mature, as in ready for organized fame out there rather taking from it by others.

I would say this seems premeditated in immature ways.  The unexplainable happens.


It seems people are shaping my life in a way that I keep suffering, and they already said for another reason I am not Cinderella.  I wonder how long this is.  I'm trying to let go.

These people seem to find me a bad person, like they are under hypnosis or being forced because of my mixed race.  This is not good for them.  They chose to do it, though.  I wanted to explain the nature of people, like everyone is under this.

I feel things are going as they should in fundamental ways, like my getting tired of the classes at school.

Priorities

People - family & those you especially care for or like

Independence

Leadership

What's Going On

I am frustrated I've run out of steam for math.  I think 7 more classes.  I can do class, but the homework was hard.  It's 30 sections, 2 sections per test, 3 - 5 questions per 1 of the two 30 sections ... if you get one wrong, you go back one problem within the section until you do enough in a row right.

I'm somewhat excited about making a better speech this time.   We have to study harder for our test.

We have exams, too.


I feel like my life could seem like a  stump with nothing left to look forward to, in certain ways.  I feel like maybe people are blaming me for not being better than I am, and it's like I'm confused.  I feel withdrawn from people, in a way.  Whoops!  Something always goes wrong for me socially.  People get confused and I get in dire straights, socially.


I'm so happy for the Freiburger Barockorchester.  I noticed at least 3 or 4 young people do significant things that seemed to stand out.  One is 2nd chair and I think I am most compatible with her.  She looks so young and sweet, but she's taller than me.  I mean, they all seem strict socially, but she's certainly fit for the part.  I'm so happy.  I used to want to be 2nd chair.  I don't want to be too close to whoever the concert master is, though, I guess.  It's funny how you see them go when only the concert master looks good, maybe sometimes.


I have a mystery class, which 1st I thought I would drop and 2nd class were not there.  I have to make an appeal for more financial aid because of this, probably, unless they really skipped a class for the day before July 4th maybe.


Am I connected to someone suffering?  What can I do?  Some people are mean to people who are nice to me, like a consistent game going around.  It's like, yea I don't need people, but if I do ever talk to someone I will be blocked, sometimes it feels.  I don't know; I get in trouble in illegitimate ways.  I get picked on as an individual and singled out from everyone else just to suffer stupidity.  People recognize the people or things important to me and focus on that, like a game, like they have to take it away a lot.


I feel bad about not going to movies because I feel it's a bad experience, even if I want to see the show.  Also, money is tight.  Even if it's one show and snacks, it's not fun anymore.  Movies are different, of course, shedding more light on that fact.

I'm trying different ways to keep from getting in trouble, but it seems the problems have intensified.  Basically, people are mean to me and I lose things socially if I feel upset.  Now, who would think something like that makes sense?


I'm not lonely but a loner.

I got my ticket ...

... Why would seeing people in person not even matter if family ever did?  1 reason I may not have kids is because I don't like to play favoritism on just anyone.  I need to be able to interact freely with anyone.

I am wondering because I only have brief contact with people I like outside of my family, and that's a lot of people!

I thought of this and just wanted to make you feel better.

I witnessed people trying to align an older person I like with sorta off stimulation, like they want to change who she is because I like her.

Other Music

Catholic Hymn

Songs I Grew up Familiarizing Myself With

Catholic Hymn - School/Church Choir



Catholic Hymn - School/Church Choir



Catholic Hymn - School/Church Choir



My Dad's Favorite Music



My Dad's Favorite Music



My Dad's Favorite Music



My Dad's Favorite Music

Well!

I'm still tired, tired of school.

I've been sleeping or trying to but hot in here without a working fan.

People are just making sure an older person I like is badly inappropriately stimulated and that I don't feel good at all, like I don't matter and it's their business.

It seems like people have a secret obsession, actually.

So, why does someone have to feel certain bad things in bad ways?

It seems it's going around that I should be dissed, in high and low places.

ooh

so "sensitive"

I didn't want to be in a telepathic fight.

What's happening to my family?  It matters to me.

It seems Late Boomers always have felt mature stimulation.

People all have problems and want me as the example, and I said what I said.

Well, I was having a better and better day, stayed calm at home and jogged.

I was fine with everything, people wanting certain feelings.

Now, I'm considered bad because I was attacked like I had a problem.

Why is everything so suggestive to people born before Generation Y?

Underground Railroad

We relate about you and the problems you cause.

Followup of Segregation

People think either nothing matters or I should relate just to my sibling, my little brother, racially.  Other people have smooth lives for what it's worth, what they do to deserve things.

People are trying to create diversions for me when there are real problems.

I have to avoid "the near occasion of sin" myself, in ways ... but people keep throwing sin my way.  All I can do is be defensive.

Some people just want to make other people feel powerful.

People act like they can tell if I am going to have a problem.  It doesn't seem to happen before they act like they can tell.

I don't really see any problem what other people want to feel, but that's their business.

People are just in position to see if I want to feel inappropriately stimulated in a bad way like an older person I like who was exploited to it.

It might be better if people didn't do things just because they can.

Just because someone can do something does not mean they should do it.

If people think some things are unimportant, what are they so concerned about?

I could do without a lot of people, now.

Why is everyone acting so testy, quickly throwing negative messages and suggestions at me to test me and prove me out in that way.

Everyone "knows my secret."  😆

People don't have a handle on me emotionally.

Everyone keeps going by acting like I accepted as though they just triumphed over me.

Why are people looking to me like I create problems racially.

So...

Renaissance?



Baroque

People took away positive aspects of me and used it to dress up others who can match or exceed me socially, in certain ways.  They keep going like I said okay.

When people see something emotional that's not about  them, they fight about it and put a price on it.

People find me inappropriate, but I being treated like I am inappropriate when I'm not.  I saw the change.  I am fine, and people attack me out of proportion.

I'm not saying anything else, like anyone has to talk to me.

Everyone is acting like they are better than me.

I find everyone constantly picking at some of what's most important in my life.  "On the other hand," I am focused.

Oh, and...

...my spine was hurting, but it got better after sleeping a little.  It was from what I was talking about.

Freshened Up

I showered and cleaned my room some.  I just have to take a trip to throw stuff out sometime, laundry to iron and to wash when it's my turn.

I am disturbed about myself again this morning, but, like I said, I freshened up.

Someday, my room will be clean, I hope.

I wonder if this is a good thing.

I bet, if you think about it, my life is worse being controlled in the ways it has been.

Can I still play?

I'm into violin for orchestra now.  Supposedly, it will work out, though.  I might try doing something more physical rather than, say, do 2 instruments or singing.

Segue!

So many singers and musicians go to Japan! I cannot count them!

What do you think about "burying the past?"

I figured yesterday matters as much as 2 days ago "and so on and so forth."

I guess, also, people expect things to be better in more difficult situations as you get further along in time.

another nap or rest

Why's it too late for me?  Sometimes, I mess up, and then I find myself in situations.  People usually start afresh, when they can.

Robots, No People to Worry or Care About

That can be a bad thing...

...but I saw a commercial where a girl looked at a drawing a boyfriend did, and she looked mad like she knew when I was feeling bad and pressured strangely by these people that I spammed them e-mails with advice.  I must have lost it, but I did not suggest offenses in doing so, like it's gotten out, maybe via the people monitoring me in private.  They think my life is over because of that.

I know why "our kids" are off.

Elderly people are reading into them and manipulating them.

Identifying the Problem

I'm roping off issues.

So, now, it was mostly that I kept feeling attacked and bad words surface in my thoughts, and people can tell...  It's because I am nice but socially abused.

There's something funny about if I think certain things in front of people as opposed to in private.

I'm gonna go for my nap, a good one.

I could have gotten by with people thinking I was white, somehow, and not mixed race in a bad way.

Why do people keep acting like people other than me "mean" more?

Why do people keep acting like I think I'm more than I am?

People want to make me feel bad so they can make fun of me and ruin it for me in the end somehow.

No one cares to get to know me, at all, like people I run into on Facebook and Twitter.

Sometimes, some people I don't want to get close to, in certain ways.

I feel like stress might make me feel things artificially.  I wonder where it comes from.

I feel like people went in and identified people I had a special liking for and ruined it for me.

I feel like people went in and ruined my life socially because I usually don't ask for anything and they make other people more distant from me.  They said they don't get jealous but said also they do it because it's not about them.

Do you find them movies wound up to get ahead socially?

If I go to a different community college...

German - 4
Violin - 1
Music Theory - 4
Choir - 1
Ballet - 2
Jazz Dance - 2

Total: 14

That-a-way, when I'm not in college I will be caught up in my health with the exercise from dance class and can continue to stay in shape, later on.

I'm concerned I might be in late classes and need to focus on homework and the practicing at home.  I use the bus.

I had this really nice rolling long duffel bag, but I think it got thrown away.  I'll have to find another good rolling bag.  I won't need as big a rolling bag as before because I don't plan on showering there, with the things I need that go with that, like hair dryer, shower shoes (rain boots,) etc.

If you're really good at one thing, it can get annoying, especially if you're not really good at much.

Only sometimes do people wonder why everyone maybe wasn't like them as a child.

FBO! doing FIGARO!

What would #Mozart say, if he saw his #LeNozzediFigaro performed by the #FreiburgerBarockorchester under the baton of #ReneJacobs??? :) :) :) Thank God for granting us the greatest period instrument orchestra and such an imaginative conductor!!! Can't wait for their Don Giovanni next year!!!!

A post shared by belcantozart (@belcantozart) on Jul 7, 2018 at 8:36am PDT

Enjoyable to Be Happy For?

If not is sad.  Hope still is better.

No More Hair Coloration by Bleach?

I don't know what is put in lightening shampoos and conditioners, but I just ordered anti-frizz hair products (Fructis Garnier - shampoo, conditioner, blow dry cream, and air dry cream.)  I'll get it in less than a week!  I didn't even have to pay for shipping because I have Amazon Prime for $13/month and, I think, "Pantry Prime" for $5/month.

I wonder if that's why my hair was looking different, hard to explain.

Sadly, I have no extra monthly money, anymore, but my dresses will be coming in.  I have weekly money, maybe just use it for drinks at school and not buying other food so much.  I have a few other things to buy, too.

Speaking for Me and Others

We don't need people to tell other people not to talk to me.

I also realized I have to stimulate myself in some natural way rather than what I did recently.

Why do people try to act gifted in ways like I have a problem?  People think I used to think that if I met an older person I like, I'd be like them, and consider being adopted.  Anyway, they think I am a danger to get any attention, and I don't "get it."

I know that I keep getting in more trouble until I can't be punished anymore in ways.  I mean, I'm especially pointing out my problem that hopefully is or gets better.  I do have a question that people feel ways I can't I need to do other things to feel, which isn't necessarily all that bad for others but so for myself.  It seems that I can't avoid it if I think of certain things, which I guess anyone watching porn would be a similar situation.  I dislike it, though, and have since.

Let me address my issue

I had some problems feeling and was worried.  I know I told my dad I felt bothered and I felt people were onto me throughout the day.  I figured I couldn't let my mind wander, though I have before.  I guess I was committing myself to something in doing so.  I was worried, like, "Why do I keep doing this?" "Do I need it to help what others do otherwise?"  ...   or maybe "Is it my mixed race?"  I'm feeling better about it, though I wonder if I will face stress problems because some people really stress me out when I try to be good.  People blame me for being "different."  Sometimes, people are on a roll and don't stop once they find I'm not acting normally for a time.  Strangely, it goes away after the next day.

Class Schedule

Not sure if I will be able to pay for it, but I added yoga to my schedule:

Violin Lessons
Music Theory III or I
Music Appreciation
Symphonic Band
Jazz Ensemble
Yoga

Now, this is the life!

Night!

Nodding off a bit sorta.

Tomorrow!

Everyone, enjoy!

I hope I can take responsibility for improving my thoughts when I feel dared to process words people detect and dislike to them.

Oh, boy!  It's the weekend!  Gotta do some math and speech and see about another class.

I know I am always nice and people look at me and start things with me.  I just feel defensive, and they make me think of bad words or someone got it in me.

"Ho hum diddly dum."

Hm ... people want to feel important and caught onto my benefits, try to expose people I like who are older in bad ways.

I feel I would make it in Europe because I'm nice and stuff.  Why can't an American make it, in the world?

I hope I make my life better.  I don't know how to deal with awkward bemused-ment.  It makes me agitated and bad words seem to come up.

How It's Going

Well, I am trying to do better, but situations are getting uncomfortable and uptight from now.

I'm excited I might be an in extra ensemble in college.  It might be the secret key to moving up.  I'm starting college private violin at a community college, as I started late.  I'm excited to play with other people, as I was in choir age 8-18.

I've had BBCA (British Broadcasting Corporation for America) on, which is narrated wild animals as of when I've watched it all night and day.

People have gone crazy judging people by who their parents are and what their parents are like.  That plain and simple doesn't improve things for me.

I wonder how some people in the more west of the US feel stimulated moreso or want to moreso, in different ways.  I don't see people carrying their kids here in Orlando much.  I saw they did in other places, I think including in Florida.  Like, if you see a person from the South cross their eyes, it might leave some impression on you that you can't quite get, though.  I wonder what's different about the US and Europe.

I feel like I need to be as conservative as possible.  It's not fun to just eat out at any time with people or things.  The movies aren't fun because of other people, often.  I can't interact much.  Everything just turns out bad, like I have to worry I'm in trouble from being upset when inconvenient.

It seems that someone or some people think that an older person I like who is being exploited is bad just because they are nice to me and things are hard, though the first person I mentioned makes it worse.  What should we do?  It may be detrimental to people what these people do.  It probably affects a lot of people.

People keep trying to interact with me saying when I make a point I am inappropriate.

Why do I feel ... Domed? Damned? Darned?