Winding Down and Going to Bed

I'm feeling a bit morose and depressed.


Summer College...

Math is becoming a bit tedious.

Speech, fuel is dwindling.


I keep having to "dodge the bullet."  It's something of a nightmare in public situations, when I do fail and succumb.

Sometimes, you just want something or someone to be happy for.  Sometimes, it's like you're not even worth that.

It's like I can never do anything right, and people manipulate my reputation.  No one else lives like this.  I'm sick of living like I'm in trouble for petty reasons, no matter how good I seem to be doing.

I wonder if I need to become more independent.  The funny thing is I already was.

I know other people can get things I was forsaken because Orlando surrounds and abuses me secretly, and people think if it confuses me, digs in, and makes me feel bad, that I'm suddenly a bad person.

Are people, who act, more "artificial" or are people who are more removed from this kind of situation?

Like putting on a guise.

It's probably different for different people, but it is a question to analyze, in different ways.

I think people who don't do things like acting must be very angsty, as teenagers.

They seem to easily pass out socially.

Do you know people who have ethnic mixes including things like German + English?

Uncomfortable

People know my life is not fair but don't want me there.

A Mystery of History

People are acting like I'm bad, but other people who are bad get treated good.

Music

I was hoping for some pictures or a video of the performance of Hot & Cool from Germany, which features on violin Petra Müllejans, now, but maybe no one took any.  Here is one from 2016.

School at a Community College

School is tiring me out because it is a few hours of work in math, using a computer, and memorizing in speech, not something I ever did nor anything like it recently.  It's strange.  I'm glad I started my speech early because now I'm ready, in a way.  I just am not "up the hill," yet.  I have it memorized, but it leaves me feeling mesmerized.  I should probably do something else and sometimes "just do it."

I know for a fact people are prejudiced and only accept much younger people if they like their parents.

Babies in Nightmare Land

It does feel like I was born into a nightmare, a nightmare of younger children stealing all the attention I used to feel.  People are sometimes afraid of some mixed race babies, and they turn out as one of the lost causes.  Maybe, my mom wasn't too mean to me, but there are other people I'm related to or are friends with.  You may think other people "have it," but they seem overly sensitive and having a hard time, like they are trying to "explain themselves."

I feel made fun of now.

"Here't the story," maybe.

If you are smart and careful, German Americans will want to end you, viciously, like people who get mad at people who are uptight about making others feel good rather than just let lose and be a little bad or something.

My Personality

I used to be mature yet youthfully energetic.

I wonder what people convinced themselves to believe of me, now.

People With Moms 15 Years Older, in My School Grade, a Little Younger Than Me

my dad's mom's sister's granddaughter

Irish? last name..., over 5 years ago, 4 months younger than me

haven't seen her much

from Wisconsin and moved where I lived in the New Orleans area

Italian last name..., less than 1 month younger than me

haven't talked to her much, in her class and school for 1 year

I guess they must have some "redeeming quality" to focus on, "like it or not."  I'm guessing their dads are both Late Boomers.  Their moms are born about 1970, and we're born in 1986.  I got the 1st picture from a family video my dad took and the 2nd picture from Facebook.

It seems like if you let anyone know that people like them exist that they may lose interest in you, like the excuse.