So, people even are interrupting the older lady I like trying to feel pleasure.

People keep acting like I'm not that good now.

It's like all this is a joke, this part.

People keep telling me I'm worse than other people.

She needs to do something, but I'm getting signals like it's something to do with our relationship that will ruin it.

That means annoying people affected her or maybe just our relationship.

What if the older lady I like needs to know to feel a lot of pleasure but does it through more drinking?

It's not impressive.

People are just acting annoying.

The people monitoring me in private think I'm gonna accept them being mean and coming off like it didn't occur, like bow down to it, though I don't think what they did was admirable.

They just know my race.

I abhor their feeling of power, lazy people.

I'm seriously not just thinking I'm saying it's okay, and it's not to be mean to me like nothing matters in my life and now I'm 32 and before I was 18.

I dislike the feeling of control from certain people who seem to be holding me at bay as a bad person in trouble, but I think they're off.  Would you chase after someone who's struggled from being in bad schools to make it out of there educated? if they had problems academically.

I'm still trying to get why this happened.  If I am happy, something gets taken away from me.  If something wasn't needed, wasn't good, wasn't wanted, people still get it.  Maybe, some things aren't always all right or all wrong.

They don't want me to find comfort in others as I like who offer themselves to me for support or guidance.

However, they manufactured the older lady I like to have problems to seem more babyish and needy than me, by exploiting her and inappropriately stimulating her.

People want an older lady I like to get to feel like she is set apart from everyone else in the world as a naked child swinging her arms slumping over standing saying with a grin, "I don't know!"

I wonder if they want everyone to start ruining themselves with drinking, too.

They want her to be inappropriately stimulated and felt for for her underground fame.


However, they are going in and cutting out and labeling my private emotions so I can't have them anymore nor get new ones.

They exploited the older lady I like unnecessarily so she could not feel comfortable caring about my underground fame I had first naturally more but connected to being monitored in private though.

It's so hard getting stronger and skilled to play the violin more.  I hope I will be good in a year when I graduate from college with my AA.

The band teacher kept trying to recruit me, but I would only want an orchestra.  I tried to play oboe alone, but it was too hard to get the instrument to make a sound.

I wanted to sing in Talented Music at 16, but they stopped when another girl joined the class, whereas before I was alone.  I was great.

I can work out playing in an orchestra, but I feel made fun of.  I like orchestral music the best.  I just never seem to hear separate parts.

I thought accompanying and playing organ got me more attention, as a "kid" at 17.

Orchestral instrumentalists seem to be an extreme case.  They grow up playing as a group and think they are all that.  Well, I grew up singing in choir, and I didn't have a good life because I liked to sing solo.

I dislike classical violin concertos I've heard.

When a piano or organ plays with a group, like maybe for local presentations, like I've seen with kids or church, they can be drowned out.

I feel discouraged in some ways on violin because people know I like classical music in Germany.

I'm having technical challenges on violin going back and starting to polish beginning songs in the Suzuki 2 book, not even sure where my Suzuki 1 book went.  I was gonna get, like, level 4.

I still feel accepted in music, like on organ or piano, but I don't want to be a church organist nor college etc. accompanist.  I also don't just want to teach.

My schedule went out of wack when I was told to quit singing at college.  I left.  They said I was not the type for music.  I was told I was worthless and sneaky.  I took singing as a Music Education major, but I didn't have to pass a singing audition to be in the singing program, as the book said, which was one reason I did it.

I sorta dreamily wanted to play violin or viola when I was in junior high or high school, but my schools didn't have an orchestra and I didn't know what to pick.  My parents gave me a violin at 16, but it didn't have a chin rest nor shoulder pad and we didn't get one.

I almost wanted to tell my mom to quit piano, after I was considered good at it, and start modern dance.  We were exposed to some Broadway in music class but not much dancing, though.

Instead of dance, I did ballet.  I know my mom put me in it at age 5.

I have a lot of stamina from things like doing gymnastics and for 2 years baton.  I even led the beginners in baton.  I did gymnastics twice a week and baton twice a week, in maybe 2nd and 3rd grade.

I remember at 1 1/2 getting a little toy piano that played a tune when you pressed a note.  I think I liked the piano.  I got a small keyboard at age 3 1/2, I think, also for Christmas.

It's hard to imagine growing up never dancing.

Gymnastics was hard but not a nightmare because I started so young, at age 1 3/4 and didn't quit until I turned 9.  It fit like a glove, in some ways.  I was considered advanced for my age, but I only got to things like back walkovers.  It was work, but I could do it.  Some of it was easy, I bet.  Some of it caught on to me as scary, in the end, like cartwheeling off a cliff into a foam pit or doing something more advanced off the vault/horse.

When I was 9, I tried to play piano by ear.  I just wanted to impress people.  My parents got me out of art and into piano lessons.  My dad then even asked me if I wanted to play another instrument, but I had no clue.

When I was 1 or 2, my mom asked me what I wanted to do.  I just wanted to exercise in gymnastics class but not compete later, just so I would look attractive and people wouldn't be able to make me feel bad about myself.  I grew up too physical like a tomboy sorta, then.  I had the pig nose, pig face.  I stopped gymnastics one time when we moved, and I started to flesh out and look more European than Asian.  It also seems to be because we lived in the oldest continuing city in the US, which was very old-fashioned, and I loved old-fashioned things and wanted to live then, like Little House on the Prairie and American Girls, with the simpler, more artistic times.

I was supposed to have a life in the world.  I wonder if I will, soon, but it seems there could be trouble knowing.  What of the wasted years hiding in my room posting on IMDb?

I keep running into my dad.

I'm bored, socially.  I'm outlawed of society.  I mean in specific ways that are close to my life.

Maybe, I'll do the movie thing after I own at least 5 new outfits, 2 more to go.  They're inexpensive.  I'll need them for school, anyway, in 2 weeks.  I look forward to eating out, too, fast food though.  I just have to iron, fold, wash and hang some things.  I thought we were having a supper, too.

Update

I added my forum to the side of this blog, rather than in an extraneous link.

What's wrong with me having my relationship?

Even though I am a hapa/Eurasian, I still feel I beat most people aesthetically.

It seems like people like Germany to be popular.

It's kind of hard to function socially with the idea that I should actually conform to all this tackiness.

People are just making things harder.

Things are worse these days, in coinciding ways that I have a better life overall now, clean.  I'm gonna get an AA in 1 year, I'm teaching myself violin myself finally, I don't keep getting a new blog, my Facebook is cool, the "IMDb" forum is going well, I am more into my plan to move to another country in Europe and learn an instrument which is Germany and violin, I made a concert to the German orchestra in NYC, I'm making deviled eggs and eating better, school made me healthier mentally and physically and emotionally and opened me up to the truth of the world and gave me ideas to be better, my music is getting better again in ways...

The people monitoring me in private are challenging me about what I used to have in a relationship.

The people monitoring me in private are going by the fact that the older lady I like is "different" now that she is exploited, though it was not important before, and speaking for her like she will burst out into saying anything at any moment, like a mental disorder or something that happens to you when you get too old.

Forum Post by Me

Should I leave Orlando?

Sure, I will miss some of the creme of the crop, but otherwise normal people can be so nasty or foolish/"stupid" about me, like I don't matter but it matters I treat them just right in a rush to get by. Many people here are socially bloodthirsty … and "stupid." The culture is a barren one, whereas the rest of the state thrives and prospers socially, maybe. Get further away from Disney suburbs, and you get closer to, say, better dance schools, I know. They wouldn't let me in and treated me like I was a joke. I went to one school in the teen class mostly, and there was a 27 year old Spanish guy in my class. In gymnastics were 40 year olds and at least the teacher employed as a tumbler and maybe the owner could hold the longest handstand and had a baby, age like 45-50? I tried to go back to dance at 27 and they acted like they didn't even know me when I said I went there already, years later. Before, I went to school free up north, in Cleveland/Berea, and later I wanted to go back and I had to pay. I might have lost my scholarship at Loyola on recommended long sabbatical. I want to move to Germany. I might after my AA next summer.

People are pushing it to make alcohol important to some people.

I was gonna do this thing where you pay $20/month for at least 3 months and see up to 3 movies a week.  First, I'll do my laundry.  I'm waiting for the kitchen to make a salad.  I'm hungry but may just go back to bed.  School in 2 weeks.  3 classes.